The Comfort of Being Disconnected to the World
A Quiet Escape from the Weight of Everything
Have You Ever Been Lost but Never Found?
For the past two years, I’ve gotten so used to the feeling of disappearing. I’ve learned this the hard way, in a way that made me believe the world was my biggest enemy. Whenever I couldn’t understand what my mind was telling me, I wanted to run away.
But where? With whom? Where would the roads lead me if I just ran away because I wanted to?
Maybe the truth is, I can’t really run away. Even if my mind wanted to. Even if my heart was truly set on it. Even if I wanted to be invisible for a while.
Because I can’t really run away when my life is built here. When the world has other plans, I have no choice but to stay connected to reality.
But that didn’t stop me from walking away, because running away doesn’t always mean I have to run in the rain, go somewhere only I know, or head somewhere I want to be. I can run away by pushing people away from me.
The distance, the fear of losing people, began to fade away when I felt the heaviness building up inside me.
And you know what? I fear that I am starting to feel disconnected from myself while the people around me are starting to lose me, too.
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I wasn’t sad, and I wasn’t drowning alone. I just had the urge to escape from the reality of my world.
It was peaceful, but hardly painless.
Because I’ve gotten so used to being alone all my life. Yes, I’ve built beautiful bonds with people, and I have tons of people to run to. But no matter how many friendships I have, I still find myself more comfortable on my own.
Not everyone will understand the art of disappearing. Not everyone will understand how painful it is to keep yourself away from people because you’ve been feeling so much lately.
It was never easy to run away; it was never easy to push people away, even when you didn’t want to. It simply happens because of the burden of silence.
I was lost, even more lost, and I thought I had found my way out. But it turns out, I hadn’t. I had just gotten so used to the feeling of being lost.
I dislike the thought of familiarity. The more familiar you become with something, the more you tend to mistake it for healing.
And yes, maybe some wounds have already healed. However, the scars are still there, forever etched into your skin.
I wanted to explore alone. I wanted to do the things I love alone. I am a friend to my own soul. But I can’t live forever without someone’s help.
I hope that once you feel the urge to run away, you will remember that it is okay to take a break for a while. You are allowed to feel that way.
But I truly hope you will find your way out.
