Longing
6 Months Ago. It was a party day. Mike invited me to his birthday party. For a party, it was rather quiet — even peaceful. There weren’t many people. Just casual chatting all around
I→ Hey, Mike. Thank you for inviting me
M→ What? My best friend to my birthday? You were doomed to be here
I→ He-he, Yeah. But still. My internship has been absolute crunch-mode lately
M→ Well. In that occasion. Gives me a drink A corporate slave deserves at least one free beer.
Mike and I have been together through school and university years. He is almost like a brother to me.
M→ Check it out. My latest project. Got back into woodworking, and this is my first shot at building a small table from scratch
I→ It looks a bit ugly. Laugh
M→ Shut up, man. He says while smiling. At least I have started something. That reminds me, how has your masterpiece of a game been going? Smirks
I→ I am still refining my game design ideas. Good games need thorough planning
M→ Right. I guess, the only way to play your game would be to use literal Neuralink inside your brain, rather than waiting for you to finish He starts laughing
I→ Laugh all you want. At least planning won’t let me down I point to a deep cut in his arm
M→ Well. Yeah. That was reckless of me, I admit. I am lucky to have a whole arm — a saw could have easily sliced it off. Thankfully, I have a friend like you
For some reason I have only one long-term friend, and that’s Mike. I think he is just very persistent, and I feel safer around him. I had a lot of friendships that often lasted just several months or were connected only by school/university circumstances. I would rarely write them, and we eventually fell off. Mike can leave me be for months, but he always invites me somewhere after some time. I almost always accept it
S→ Hello
M→ Well hello, Sarah right? Firm handshake. I am Mike, this nerd’s handler
I→ Hey Sarah. I am glad you came by A quick hug
S→ I am glad you invited me!
Now, Sarah is a friend of mine for about five months now. We have built a good friendship. It’s the first time for me to establish friendship that long with a girl. We met on the university campus.
S→ Yeah, we were sitting nearby during the same lecture. I couldn’t resist peeping through his screen, and it was just a wall of code!
I→ Ehh, it’s just a module for one of my old games.
S→ This module must be a whole game — you were typing like crazy! I have never seen someone type this fast. Everyone heard it and was thinking that you were transcribing the lecture word-for-word. Laughs You are so funny!
I→ Lectures are no use for me anyway. There is nothing I can learn from there
Sarah and I met quite often after the lectures. She would almost always stop me after the lecture for a talk. She is sometimes annoying, just talking about everything that comes into her head. Most of the time I just nod along with what she says. It can be exhausting at times to match her energy, but she seems to be kind and passionate.
After a while, I went outside to breathe some fresh air and look at the sky. Sarah joined me 10 min after. There were just the 2 of us. Me and Sarah. We were sitting by the tree branches, just a 10-min walk from the main neighborhood. I usually don’t talk to girls, I have my reasons. Truly, I believe that relationships are for weak-minded individuals — this is just a voluntary restriction of your freedom. Plus, I believe I am above all of that feelings stuff.
We branched out from our main group. And we were by ourselves. She wanted to talk with me specifically. I cannot even understand why. I will indulge her request and go along, I thought. I didn’t think it would lead anywhere. Though — for a second, just a second, I caught myself hoping I was wrong about that. Which is a stupid thing to hope. I filed it away
I→ Ohh hello. What are you doing here? Looks at the ground
S→ Honestly? I get bored by big groups fast. Everyone performing for everyone else. I wanted an actual conversation for once
I→ And you think I’m capable of that?
S→ I don’t know yet. That’s kind of the fun part
I→ You say that like I’m a puzzle
S→ A little bit, yeah. You’re weirdly closed off for someone who talks a mile a minute about code. I want to know if that’s a “you” thing or a “you around people” thing
I→ Does it matter which?
S→ To me, it does. If you’re just private, that’s fine, I get that. If it’s something else, I’d want to know, because I like you, and I’d rather understand you than guess
I→ Looks at her, confused That’s a very direct thing to say
S→ Yeah, well. I don’t really do the slow-reveal thing. Ask me anything back, by the way — this isn’t an interrogation
I started to look at her face more and more. She is actually so pretty and energetic. We started with our usual news and stuff, and eventually we got into personal topics. We talked a lot about our own pasts. We both talked back and forth for so long. We were sitting so close to each other that I could feel her breath. No, I have to remind myself: She does not matter, I don’t actually care
S→ Did you really never have a girlfriend before?
I→ Well. Chuckle. Confident voice
For a second, something in my chest tightened when she asked. I pushed it down
I → I think I am doing very well without them. I mean I am completely independent — no one is nagging me with their requests. I am able to be very productive and do so much on my own. I just don’t see the point in relationships
S→ I think you just haven’t found someone you like yet
I→ I really don’t think I need that “someone”
S→ How can you be so sure if you haven’t tried it yet?
I→ I felt a bit uneasy That is a very emotional thing, Sarah I smiled I just don’t think it applies to me. I mean I have achieved so much on my own and I am proud to be the way I am. I just don’t think I am that kind of person. I believe that people need to learn to live with themselves. I did try dating, but it just doesn’t interest me. The only thing that I am truly passionate about is coding and I doubt anyone can replace it
S→ Really? Pauses I mean. I am glad that you have something in your life. That is something at least
I→ What about you?
S→ I did have a relationship before. It lasted only a year, though. It’s not really that interesting. We had our own honeymoon phase, you know, being infatuated with each other, constant cuddling, telling each other everything about ourselves and stuff. She smiles sadly I remember one time we just strolled around the city, talking all night. She pauses After that phase, though, I felt that we were just incompatible. I felt like he was very ‘passive’ person. He did not have any interests, hobbies, ambitions — whatever — most of the time he was just texting me 24/7. I noticed this early, but I hoped that he would start to grow up and eventually become his own person. It hurt me, but I had to leave this relationship… Even after the breakup, I kept worrying that maybe we could have made it work out, that it was a mistake. I still am not sure
I→ … Yeah… That sucks, I guess
S→ It does…
5 Second silence
S→ She leans on my shoulder, deliberately
I→ I felt something strange. I didn’t move, even though my heart was pounding
S→ Then pulls back. Looks at the ground Sorry. I just wanted to see what that felt like for a second. You can pretend I didn’t do that if it’s weird
I went silent for 10 seconds. Staring at the ground
I→ N-No. That’s-That’s fine
I started to look more and more into her eyes, and the more I looked, the more I wanted to just keep looking at her. My mind felt so carefree — I could only see her and my immediate surroundings, as if everything else didn’t exist. I wish that moment would last for a bit longer. I felt a strong desire to just get closer and lean on her. The air was filled with such a light mood. I wish we could stay here and continue to talk for the rest of the night. I wish we could stay together for the whole night. I will remember these 3 hours.
Alone — After an hour. What was that? I felt too attached to her! This is so embarrassing. I don’t need a girl in my life! I am a proud independent person! No, no, no. I was probably just too sleepy — that is the reason I lost control. I need to go home right now and get some sleep. Puts on the headphones. Walks away
Before Sleep. So many thoughts… “What if we could have stayed there overnight and cuddled” — “What if we continued the conversation” — “What if we held hands and kissed” — “What if …”. I wish she were here, sleeping with me… We could have become a couple… I wonder how her hair would feel … Ohh Sarah…
After Sleep. What is going on with me? I never had these kinds of thoughts before. I was always so composed around everyone. That is so embarrassing — I cannot get out of the house with these kinds of clingy thoughts! How can I function while I have these pathetic thoughts unresolved! What if I start to like other girls and will be longing for them? What if my emotions dumb me down and destroy everything I had learnt in five years of coding? What if I lose control over myself? I would just continue to act like a weakling. And no girl truly likes guys like me anyway. I need to figure this one out. Puts on loud music. Thinks What are these feelings? Why am I feeling them? What can retrain my brain to avoid them?
After 2 hours. I think I have figured it all out. I wrote a simple note to myself on how to act and contain emotions. This mindset must ensure my safety from all of those pesky thoughts. Now I can peacefully leave the house, thoughts are gone anyway. I’ll test my mindset outside, and with it, avoid being tempted by any of these feelings
After 3 hours — Outside. I sat at a campus café to read some psychology books. Beautiful girl sits across me Ha. Look, I am not looking at her, I am not tempted by her beauty. I bet everyone is looking at her. I bet everyone is only thinking about dating and their “girlfriends”, while I am working for an important IT start-up and learning new things about our brains. Every feeling in our brain is just a chemical reaction between neurons — totally random. It’s foolish for me to be enslaved by those processes. Makes music louder I feel so confident. It all makes sense! Thanks to my mindset points, I just won over my nasty emotions! I feel like I am in full control of my state! I can focus on greater stuff, I can go and have some productive work! Might as well prove my superiority through action!
After 5 hours — Confident Work. Active and happy attitude. No more fear or hesitation. Confident actions and talks. I am feeling so great! I have done so much work. I have managed to refactor the code for all the major components, fix the server bugs, and create a major central communication controller for our project. I can go on. I can do more now. I still have the energy! Receives a message from Sarah.
S→ Hey, how are you doing?
S→ Thanks for the conversation last time. I don’t know if people like you get lonely, but feel free to message me anytime!
Lonely? I don’t feel that way. Meh. What does she think about me? I am doing great without girls.
S→ Do you want to hang out today? There is a nice café nearby!
Yeah, sure, like that is going to happen. Well, actually, why not? I can test whether my mindset works, using her as the test case. Since she started all of this, that’ll be a great way to check it
I→ Hey. Yeah sure.
Well, back to work! I actually feel like doing more work!
A day later. I visit Mike’s shop for us to build something together. Last time I was here, I witnessed the traumatizing scene of Mike’s arm almost being cut off. I am still surprised that Mike returned to woodworking after that. Thank god I was with him that day
A year ago. Mike invited me for his garage tour. He wanted to show off his saw and how it worked. He picked up a piece and rushed it without much thought. His arm caught the saw, leaving a deep cut with a burst of blood. He instantly backed off, grabbing his cut arm. Both of us were in shock for about 5 seconds. Once the shock wore off, I called 911. He rushed to the med kit — his attempts at treating the wound were really awkward. Blood was everywhere. Mike looked horrified, his arm was all red and the cut itself looked pretty deep. I helped him with the cut, applied pressure onto the bandage and gave him water. My attempts to help were also very awkward. We both were very nervous. Mike tried to crack jokes to calm himself down, while I kept asking him reassurance questions every few seconds. With that, we just waited for the ambulance
I am definitely not going to compete with Mike on cutting wood. His shop is pretty much a garage with a table saw and some other stuff. I noticed a colorful poster I didn’t see before
I→ Hey, what’s that?
M→ A reminder. All points of safety before and during saw operation
I→ A poster? Really? Do you think that’s enough to avoid accidents?
M→ Well, better than nothing. And it’s not just a poster, I have got a riving knife and a saw guard as well
I→ Don’t you think you could have done something more than cheap fixes?
M→ Curious Like what? Smiles
I→ Buy one of those SawStop. I heard they stop the blade once they touch the skin
M→ Hmm. Can you give me money?
I→ Confused What? No
M→ Yeah. I cannot give myself money either. Cause I don’t have them. Laughs Or patience to save for it. Plus, kickback still exists. I might buy SawStop if my hobby turns into something bigger
After some banter, Mike prepares the first cut. He asks me nicely to shut up. He got his goggles, earplugs and push stick. He quickly rereads the poster, prepares his material, takes his stance, and pauses for about ten seconds. He takes a look at the poster one more time, looks at the saw for several seconds, takes a deep breath and cuts. He repeats the ritual with just one reading of the poster now. Then he does a second cut. At the end, he is left with 6 rectangular pieces. I believe he called them ‘square’ pieces, though there were actually rectangles. I considered it to be another of Mike’s quirks. This whole process might have looked safe, but we both know how it ended up last time. At some point I have to look away, as it gives me too much anxiety
M→ Wanna try?
I→ Hell no. I still value my arms
M→ Well. In that case. Here. Wood Glue We need to glue them up to a uniform table seat
I→ Is the glue harmful to the skin?
M→ Yeah, if your skin is made out of wood
M→ Oh wait. This edge is a bit uneven
Mike grabs a piece and cuts it without looking at the poster. After the cut, he realizes it
M→ Fuck.
Mike grabs a random piece to cut and deliberately repeats all the rituals and steps again. Then he cuts. That piece was never used again. We quickly glue pieces together and clamp them. While we wait, I help Mike create holes in the stool base and carve legs for it
We spent about five hours in total at the shop. Dust and glue were everywhere. At the end, we made a curvy stool. Damn. That feels like a waste of time. I could have spent this time actually working, or refining my mindset. It was fun, but kinda meaningless as well. What was the purpose of this meeting, how does it benefit me? This stool is so ugly — there is no way we can sell it
A week later. At the planned meeting with Sarah. I met her in the café. I rehearsed all the mindset points. I am ready. She came in, she did look pretty, I have to admit that, but I did not smile or have any thoughts. We spent some time together. This time it was kinda dry conversation. She asked me questions, I just answered them. I was too focused on my mind cleanliness to ask questions back.
S→ Hey, are you feeling alright?
I→ Good as ever. Why?
S→ You answer in 3–4 words, and you don’t ask questions back. I knew you were pretty introverted, but you were so vocal and passionate at Mike’s party. I am a bit concerned I did something that upset you
I→ I told you, I am fine
S→ Hmm, alright. But don’t be afraid to tell me what’s on your mind. I won’t bite. Even if it’s a love confession Giggles
I→ What? No! It’s just a… Blushes. Coughs Excuse me
That sentence just made me uncomfortable, for a second I wanted to admit something, it made me nervous. I gather my thoughts and tell myself that this isn’t a good thought to have. The desire was very strong and I was contemplating it. But I managed to calm down
S→ You good?
I→ I am just feeling a bit tired, after work and stuff, so excuse me if I act like this. And this cold really exhausted me
S→ Looks at me Hmm. Well… Shrugs I can only wish for your speedy recovery!
S→ Sooooo how is your friend Mike doing?
I→ He is fine
S→ I heard from him you guys are very close. I have a friend Kaylee, we were also together through first class all the way to now. We can just randomly message each other, share stories and just be ourselves. We also love to fight with each other, a lot, both of us get hurt, but after a week or two we just gather up and talk it out…
After an hour of the meeting, we just kinda went our separate ways. Gosh. That’s a failure. I blushed and was taken by surprise. I need to rethink my mindset strategy. I need to make it better. Why did I even blush? I don’t truly need her. What if this blush might trigger longing for Sarah? I can’t let it happen
When I was going home, I saw Mike on the other end of the street. He saw me as well. I wanted to meet him, but then I stopped. I felt really embarrassed. I realize that I don’t want Mike to see me like this. I quickly turned around and went home
A day later. I have started to work almost everyday. I would go to my room for several hours. Music helps me a lot to concentrate and focus. After work I feel so energized that I go out for a jog and just enjoy my life. Knowing my progress and how much work is done is such an elevating experience.
A week after. I noticed a new Instagram post by her. She was in this red dress. She… No, I will not look at her. I need to distract myself. I take headphones and go to work. I try to focus on my work, yet I still keep on thinking about her dress. This is just a chemical reaction in my brain — it doesn’t mean anything. I will just keep working. Those thoughts though. They are so sticky. The picture of Sarah in that dress does not leave me alone! I tell myself that this is just an automatic brain reaction to stimuli. Yet they return, pushing the image of Sarah in that dress back into my mind. I make music louder and try to focus harder
A week later. Today I had a success with mindset. I went to ice skating alone, I saw couples everywhere. Hah. Look at them, they had to find someone just to go ice skating. I showed all of them how gracefully I can glide. I learnt it all by myself. After the skating, I went into the nearest coffee shop and worked for about 6 hours straight, finishing all of my tasks before the deadline! I can expect a premium bonus with that kind of productivity! One more proof that with enough discipline, you can become the best version of yourself!
A week later. Man. 8 hours of pure work. I will finish my game in no time. I am so competent at it. Yawns. Ohh damn. It’s 4 AM. A new record! Ohh well, I will not be able to go to sleep now anyway
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2 Weeks later (4 Months ago). I have made so much progress — on work, on the mindset. I did not message Sarah for a whole month! In fact, I haven’t checked her messages in a while. I just don’t need her, so why message her. Besides, I want to ensure that my mindset is perfect before seeing her. I don’t wanna repeat that event again. So I stopped messaging Mike as well, until I perfect my mindset. My mind recently has been very clear and stable. I haven’t had any images of Sarah or of any other girls. My discipline also significantly paid off as I have received a massive premium bonus from my work and a job offer as a mid-level developer from my manager after my university graduation. I bought a new laptop for work from this money and agreed on a job offer
Unfortunately, I have been getting insomnia lately. The confidence sometimes drags me all the way to the night. Insomnia messes with my work, makes it hard to focus and enjoy it, but I will find ways around it. Sometimes I do need to take breaks — that’s when I just lie down and do nothing, scrolling and stuff. I just don’t feel like doing stuff, and that irritates me a lot. During those times, I feel intrusive thoughts about Sarah creeping in, or some kind of sadness. I cannot let them be in my mind, so I force myself out
With all that said, however, I am much more independent, composed and stoic compared to everyone else. Especially compared to Sarah. I rarely check Instagram, but one time I noticed her story — a photo of her hugging friends, with the caption: ‘Thanks everyone for supporting me through difficult times throughout my life path! I appreciate you all!!’. I really don’t understand what she is happy about. What would she do without friends? Would she just give up? She is relying on other people — she is giving away her freedom.
2 Weeks later. Mike came over to my house. I haven’t met him for 2 months already, and I haven’t messaged him since. I just wanted to ensure the perfection of my mindset before seeing them. I don’t want to appear like a helpless person. I don’t want him to see me like this. I am a complete mess right now and my mind is so festered with the thoughts of Sarah
M→ Hey, man. I decided to visit you… He looks around the house. His face is concerned Woah. Your room looks like a mess, just like you Tries to control his laugh burst
I→ Look at him seriously Yes, don’t worry, I am just having insomnia.
M→ Pause. Changes face. Hesitant I feel that something is wrong. Are you sure you are okay? Can I help you in any way?
I→ I am fine. Look, I still need to get some sleep. We will talk later
M→ Alright. Call me whenever you get enough sleep
Mike acted so hesitantly, even pathetic. It reminded me of one of his ‘opening up sessions’ he had with me at the hospital, three days after Mike’s saw accident
I→ Hey Mike. How are you feeling?
M→ Bored
I→ Figures. At least you got the TV Chuckles
M→ Yeah. You can say that’s a paid vacation
Silence for 10 seconds
I→ Hey are you sure you are okay?
M→ I am fine. Let’s not bring this up. I am already so tired, having to deal with my parents and friends concerns. At this point it’s just exhausting
I→ Fair. Sooooo. Are you going to finish the table?
M→ Burst out laughing Okay. That’s a good one!
Another silent 10 seconds
M→ You know He pauses I… After the operation — I felt so guilty, so stupid. Thankfully, I didn’t get any permanent damage, but it’s just luck. I could have become disabled… I felt as if I cannot trust myself. Like I cannot properly judge reality. Sighs I am going to stop woodworking for a while. I would have to first sit with what happened.
I→ Really? You thinking? Didn’t expect it from you. I would more expect you to continue right after you healed up
M→ If it was just me cutting myself with a chisel, then sure. But this is serious, I won’t forgive myself if I just rush into the project again like a daredevil
I→ Yeah, don’t rush it. Take your time. I wouldn’t want for you to get hurt again Gives him a chocolate and heads towards the exit
M→ Hey. Thank you for being with me and just listening. You are the only one who I talked to about my feelings. If I told it to my mother, she would just ban me from the saw forever. The generic “feel better” from others is no better. So, you know, come here more often
I→ Of course. I will see you tomorrow then
That makes sense — that’s why he’s acting like this. His emotions took the better of him, like they did after the accident. Heh, Mike. Can’t you see that those emotions are of no use and only hold us back?
A week later. I have noticed that I started to work less and less. My confidence starts to fuel me for less and less hours. Previously it was for 6 hours straight, now it’s only 3 hours. I seek this confidence boost to work normally and to be able to go outside. I don’t want people to see me as a person who hasn’t achieved anything for today. How then am I better than those people who are dependent on relationships. I cannot leave the house until I get it all together! Good thing that my internships and university lectures are mostly online this semester
A week later (3 Months ago). I noticed something wrong with my mood and body. I feel completely unable to control myself some days. I am just lying in my bed all day. I am not able to get myself up and do anything. I want to get up, but it’s like I cannot control myself. The thoughts and feelings start to creep in, which I cannot allow. My only solution is to grab a phone and distract myself. I looked around my room, there are now several pizza boxes and a line of empty cups. I need to take them out as well. There are too many things — I will have to deal with them later
2 Weeks later. Dammit. I have been so inactive lately. I just can’t bring myself to do anything, I have been in my room for almost a month. Doing nothing. I sometimes have moments of productivity, but they happen only half of the time. And there is not much of a reason to get up: HR at my work gave me a paid vacation, citing my drop in KPI. I haven’t seen anyone for so long, and Sarah… I just sometimes start to think about her more and more. I cannot get rid of her, I need to do something, but I am so drained to get up. I started to periodically check our together photos. I still remember all of them fondly. Gosh, this is so low. I need to do something! I can’t be like this! I will lose my independence to those brain chemicals
2 Weeks later. I have tried many times to bring myself to do something — yet no gains, no work done. I have never felt so weak and hesitant. I can’t even go out, people would see how helpless I have been. I can’t show myself like this. I tried music, forced the work schedule, gym, motivational speeches. They didn’t last a day. And all of those reoccurring Sarah thoughts. They all try to sell me on the idea that my life would change for the better with her. Against my better judgment, I started to scroll through her Instagram. I did have such a great time there, though. I remember the talk we had at Mike’s party. I remember how we first met. Damn, I used to be so productive back then. Now I am just a helpless, sad person. I am running out of options, I cannot exist like this!
A week later (4 Months ago). I can see Mike coming here again. Gosh. What does he want? I can see him just standing there for a minute, doing nothing. What the hell is he doing? He looks like he is lost, or thinking about something. He starts to leave. After 10 seconds he stops and heads back to my door. He comes in and knocks
M→ Hey. Are you available for a talk?
I→ What kind of talk? Look, I am busy
M→ Are you? Have you been so busy for the last 4 months that you ignored all of my messages and declined all of my invitations? And now you are just giving me a cold shoulder?
I→ Mike. I am really not in a mood for a talk…
M→ When will you be? That’s the third time you say “later” that never comes
I→ I don’t know, just not right now
I wanted to close the door, but Mike’s foot prevented this
M→ Wait. Hesitant Look. Just tell me what is going on. I am sorry if I hurt you in any way, but I really want to hear it from you. Can we at least set the actual date and location if you really are busy?
I→ Just get out, Mike. I am not in a mood for your serenade
I pushed his foot out and closed the door. Good thing I live alone, he cannot pressure me on my property. Maybe I shouldn’t have done this, though. He is such a good friend of mine. Yeah, a good friend who trespassed into my property uninvited twice and had the audacity to stop the door, while I clearly said I don’t feel good. What’s next? He is going to barge in and tell me what to do? Prick.
A day later. I noticed a letter near the door. It’s Mike. Probably going to rant off and call me all the nice words he knows. I wanted to throw it away, but curiosity got the better of me.
I don’t know what has happened to you or to us. Look, we have been friends for such a long time. I don’t know why are you acting like this? But I do know that something is wrong. I really want to help you — we have been together through everything, after all. But I won’t force if you don’t want to, that is your choice. If you don’t want to see me, then I will leave you alone. However, if you do change your mind, you have my number and address. Good luck, brother
What does he know about me? Who does he think he is? What an egocentric jerk! I threw out the letter entirely. I don’t need friends like this! I am better than him! I am more emotionally independent
A day later. Gosh, I feel so bad. I literally cannot get up and do anything. What the hell is happening to me? I have never had such a hard time getting out of bed. What is going on to me? Ugh. I am probably just going to take it easy today. Even the phone is not doing good at distracting me. I feel some kind of overwhelming sadness and depression coming on. It makes me want to cry, but I’m trying really hard not to.
A week later. I was checking Sarah’s Instagram again. Her new post actually made me light up a bit. It’s so nice to see her again. It helps me to even get up and take out some trash. I don’t know why that happens, but I feel weirdly good, knowing that such a pretty girl had some interest in me back at Mike party… What am I doing? … I shouldn’t be even remembering her. She is a liability, I am supposed to be a disciplined man. I wanted to cry again, this realization makes me feel so insignificantly small and defeated. I tried to hold back, but I have no energy to resist. I broke down
A week later. Logically speaking, my life was objectively better with her. I was so upbeat and productive. I used to work for 8–10 hours, now I cannot even get up. I cannot live a current life like this. This is not a defeat, though. It might look like one, but I just need to meet her once, that’s it. It’s simply a transaction for me to function, nothing more. I am higher than emotions, they will not take over me. I have a strong mindset text, albeit incomplete, it showed its effectiveness. I haven’t had any sparks of attachment or vulnerability. I will be fine, let me just get one meeting with her and we will figure out from there.
3 Days later. I started to revisit our shared memories with Sarah much more often. I fondly remember all the moments we had together: our usual after lecture conversations, our exam preparations together and our conversation at the Mike’s party. I had such a good time with her, those are probably the best moments I had in my student life. Maybe even in my whole life. Knowing that I was in a romantic relationship with such a girl, make me feel so elevated and happy. Having her was probably my biggest motivator
4 Days later (2 Months Ago). I have started to check her Instagram daily. Gosh, she becomes more beautiful the more I look at her. I checked that post with the red dress so many times — she is so pretty in it. I shouldn’t watch it for so long. Well, biologically speaking, we all crave to know more — don’t blame my curiosity. I checked the messages
S→ Heya. I hope you are doing great there. I have seen this new ice skating park opening. You wanna come by?
After 3 days
S→ Hey. You were not answering for such a long time. I am really worried — did I do something wrong? I am sorry if my “confession” joke made you too uncomfortable or if I said something wrong at the Mike party. I really don’t want to hurt or offend you, please, can you tell what I did wrong? I really want to talk this out
That was almost 5 months ago. I think just a couple of weeks after a café meeting. I have to meet up with her.
I→ Hey Sarah. How are you?!
S→ Oh hey. I am surprised to hear from you — it’s been such a long time.
I→ Yes it was. Do you wanna meet up?
S→ Wow. That’s a bit quick for someone who ghosted me for several months. You were so cold at that café, I thought I’d done something wrong. I reached out and got silence in return. Do you know how anxious I was all that time you were silent?
I→ I will explain everything when we meet. Just please trust me
S→ Trust is earned, not given. I already placed my trust in you and got hurt in return.
I→ I know, I am sorry. I completely ruined things. But I need to see you, Sarah. Please. Just thirty minutes at the park
S→ Fine. But let’s be entirely clear: I want an actual explanation first. If you come back acting cold, I will leave. My next available date is next month
I→ Woah. So busy. Not even Sundays?
S→ You threw me away for months, and it took everything I had to piece my confidence back together. I am not risking my peace of mind this weekend just because you suddenly decided you’re ready to talk
Why? Why does she have to do this? I am struggling so much right now and she decides to make me suffer? Ugh. Fine, I can hold on. At least I know that we will meet eventually and after that I can finally start living again.
A week later. I have started to prepare extensively for my meeting with Sarah and prepare for any potential problem that might come up during or before the meetup. I am rehearsing the script every day and I have created multiple contingency plans if anything is about to go wrong. If Sarah feels bored I will bring the most interesting games I have created. If Sarah reports sickness, I will prepare makeshift medical point at my house.
I checked her Instagram again today and found an interesting story that she had posted. Usually those stories are of Sarah and her group of female friends. This time, however, there was a guy in her new story. Sarah is hugging some kind of Starbucks barista with the caption: “Made a new friend. Thankieeees for the after-shift latte, Kyle 🤤🤤. That was a wonderful night!!”. I am sure that is nothing. I am much more interesting than this guy. I have such cool games and intricate systems built into them, plus a growing career with potential salary of 100K a month. I can prepare all of those points to convince Sarah that she has to be with me. I checked Kyle again to find his flaws and where I excel
A week later. I needed to find a way to kill time this month. I wake up with an idea for how to survive the month until I could finally meet her. Internet and games were here to help me. I was especially interested in this anime. It is a romantic slice-of-life anime. The protagonist in it is literally me! He is so smart and actually a very rational person. And that heroine is acting exactly like Sarah! The same bubbly girl, who brings life and energy to the protagonist. Maybe I’m right after all — having a girl in your life gives you someone who will validate and admire your work. Maybe I am right after all, having a girl in your life lets you have someone who will rate and admire you work. Gosh, even the way Sarah and I met, it’s just like this anime. I was such an idiot — I should have used the opportunity. Well, now it’s my chance. I’ll make sure to get the most out of it. Speaking of which:
I→ Good morning, Sarah! How are you doing today?
2 Hours later
S→ Morning. I am doing fine
I→ Yeah, I am also doing great. Anything interesting going on? I personally have finally finished my new network module for my game!
Every time she answers, I am reminded that I still have a place in her life. It helps me to get by each day until I finally meet her. I also started to fantasize quite frequently about our meeting. I can only picture all the things we can do together. We can spend so much time together. Find a mutual hobby. Maybe even one night, just sit with each other, cuddling and holding hands. I would be playing with her hair, while she would lay her head on my shoulder in solitude under a night sky. Maybe even more than that. I can’t wait to meet her!
A week later. I realized how much I need Sarah on a constant basis. Just one meeting is not enough. I have calculated how much time I need to spend with her, grabbing the data from my previous experiences with Sarah. I’d need to find a way to persuade Sarah to dedicate at least an hour a week to me. I would need to write all of the points very clearly and in detail. Hopefully, when she sees my points, she will realize that I need her. I think it would be rational for her to accept the points — that is only a couple of hours a week. The work takes 40 hours per week, while saving life is definitely worth the dedication of a couple of hours a week. Laughs Man, in any other situation it would sound so absurd. Not in my situation — it is completely serious. She is my only way to function
I have planned everything around her at this point. I have planned next 3 years together and already committed part of my savings to several presents for her. Those 3 years would be only the start of the most colorful and brightest chapter of my life. With her I will finally become very confident. I will never be afraid or nervous. I will never be pathetic or hesitant. With her I will finally start all of my delayed plans and succeed at them. And I know Sarah is a kind and always bubbly girl. She will surely help me. I will finally start to live
A week later (A month ago). FINALLY! Only she can fix me now. I need some time with her — even 15 minutes could make me whole for another 2 days! I am waiting for her at the park. I am so excited! Chuckles Several months earlier my obsession would be completely unacceptable, but I don’t even care anymore, I just wanna see her again. I want her to fix me now! There she is! I found her and walked towards her with an unrestrained, twitchy energy
I→ Saraaaah, it’s been such a long time. Extends his arm for a hug
S→ Backs up Stop Extends her hand as stop Do you remember what I texted you earlier?
I→ A bit confused Fair, it’s not the right time for this, probably. Well, how have you been doing?
S→ I am fine. Do you want to explain the situation like you promised?
I→ Eehh, Sarah, Nervous chuckle why the hurry? I’ve just missed you so much. I wanted to just… sit down, look at you, catch up properly
S→ Steps back You’re acting really high-energy right now. It’s a little overwhelming. What happened after the café meetup? Tell me
I got really nervous here. I rushed to my pocket to show her this
S→ What is that?
I→ Speaks in a quick voice Sarah. I-I-I have been rotting away for such a long time. A… I thought that I can defeat my emotions, but then I realized that I don’t have to do it. You are my solution! I have made an elaborate plan on how you can fix me! This would be a very small commitment, just several hours per week! I just need to see you for several hours per week. I promise …
S→ Steps back in confusion and irritation What are you talking about?
I→ Steps closer unaware Look, it’s all detailed here. I can give you the full description. Only you can fix me now. I have been so desperate this whole month. Just pleasee Sarah. Please. I need you, Sarah. Plea…
S→ STOP IT!
I backed down. My heart was racing hard. My posture became very tense. I was afraid to make even a move. My eyes started to water
S→ You hurt me so much! I needed so much time to get my confidence and sense of self back, and now you come here begging me to be your puppet?! I gave you all the time and space I had left, and you just decided to insult me with your cold behavior — for nothing!
10 seconds later
S→ Sighs in quiet disbelief What happened? Who am I looking at? She becomes visibly sad I Moment of pause, she starts to tear up I can’t help you here. I am sorry. Goodbye
I was left alone now. I started to cry. Everything is now lost! How could I have failed so much?
A day later. Now. Nothing really matters. What am I going to do now? Do I even have a life after this? At least I still have a job. I need to message them. Maybe we can figure out something
3 years have passed
I wake up at 6:30 AM. Brew coffee. Eat breakfast. Turn on Computer. Then go to work. I work from 8 AM to 12 PM. I take a quick break. I get back to work. After the work, I remain in the said computer and play games. I need to occupy my mind throughout the day. I turn on music in the background. I play until 11PM. I brush teeth, take a shower and go to sleep.
Sometimes I want to invite Mike over or visit his shop. Have a good time together like we used to. I have heard he has started to sell custom furniture at weekends. At this point, though, it’s too late — I am who I am. I don’t need meaningless fun. I don’t need friends, either. I blocked him from every messenger and I have never met him since the letter
I do have friends, online ones. At weekends, I manage to play with some of my discord friends or regulars at matchmaking. I also have some friends from the open-source forums where we discuss the solutions to the problems. But I keep my distance — they don’t know anything about me, and I don’t know anything about them. Once any of them tries to get to know me in real life, I just ignore them
My life is normal. I would say. Nothing too quick. Nothing too painful. Just a regular day for a Senior Software Engineer. A very stable life. I do get out in public, but my headphones completely block any kind of interruption. People are just flowing particles at this point. They are all just going around their business, like a system of particles — simply calculating their next trajectory. All is okay.
