I Lied.
I lied to everyone around me, including myself. And I’m still lying with every word and every gaze, pretending that I’m mature enough not to feel the slightest bit of grief for him. Or for myself.
I keep crawling back to the same places where it all happened, all by myself. Does it ever get any easier? I don’t believe so. Because sitting right now at the same coffee shop where we spent three years hanging out, sharing laughter and fights, working together, and bumping into each other randomly, squeezes my heart and almost takes my breath away.
It feels lonely not being able to see any of them here, the ones I held so close to my heart as friends. It’s as if it never happened, as if they never existed. I come here because maybe I’m scared that I might wake up one day and find that all these moments have vanished. Somehow, this is the only way I can keep them alive in my head.
I lied when I said, “Oh! That’s way back in the past.” It’s in every moment of my day. It’s there when I sleep, when I wake up, and even when I’m watching something on TV just to distract myself. Nothing works. Nothing at all…
I just want to wake up with the same excitement of figuring out a nice outfit for the day, choosing the right makeup and hairstyle, and showering myself in perfume before meeting up and spending the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing in their company; discussing random things and laughing as if we didn’t have a career to plan for.
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I’m just breaking down alone, in silence. And the farther I get from home, the less I think about it. But no place seems far enough from where we used to sit. Every corner is a flashback, and it kills every hope of focusing on moving on.
Even right now, I’m lying to my own emotions, sitting at our usual table in our usual spot, wishing one of them would check my story and come running to meet me, even if just for a quick catch-up.
I keep turning my head every now and then whenever someone walks in, skipping a heartbeat, especially if they’re wearing black. Because that would mean it might be the person I want to see the most.
I could still lie to myself just to see him one more time. That’s how obsessed I’ve become with his vibe and aura. I could still try calling him, no matter how silly I might sound, just to have him around again. Even though I know he’d probably realize what’s going on, my hands are practically trembling to grab the phone and just do it.
Oh! But this ego I seem to have would absolutely kill me later, once I’m home and everything has settled down.
It’s almost the weekend, so I guess I can swallow this longing until I’m home, where things get easier and, most importantly, more distracting.
I lie to my brain again, trying to avoid making reckless decisions…
