What should you NOT do while “Casually Dating”?
The worst thing you could do is waste your time. Time is a currency we will never get back. Suppose you stay in a relationship out of pity or chase after someone emotionally unavailable. In that case, you are closing off the opportunity to date someone more compatible, with whom you actually like and who likes you back. Casually dating is dating more than one person at a time, dating without serious intent, or both. Here are the twelve following things you should not do while casually dating.
Don’t
- Waste time with people who aren’t on the same page.
This goes without saying; if they can’t give you what you want, move on. No amount of gifts, money, or sex will change their mind.
2. Lie to get what you want.
If you believe lying about your own intentions just to get “the person you want” is a good idea, you’d be mistaken. Eventually, putting on a facade or placing your needs last will get tiring.
3. Assume exclusivity.
Unless you have verbal confirmation, don’t assume you are the only person the suitor in question is talking to, dating, or even having sex with. Make yourself clear initially if you are comfortable being one of many. If not, let them know you will limit their access to you or cut it off completely if you have passed your vetting deadline.
4. Neglect communication.
Missed connections happen because of miscommunications. I’ve even had relationships end due to my lack of communication or my failure to ask for clarification. It’s important to ask for what you want but also be forthcoming about what you don’t want or aren’t ready for.
5. Overanalyze.
Sometimes a cigar is a cigar. No need to pull out your tarot deck, look at the stars, or ask your pastor if they are your future husband or wife. If they treat you well, great! If they only come to you when they need something or treat you like a second option, pay attention.
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6. Be afraid of catching feelings.
This used to be a fear of mine in my 20’s but it isn’t anymore. If you’re in a space to accommodate another person or your heart feels ready, then falling for a person isn’t the worst thing in the world.
7. Lie to yourself when you do catch feelings.
Unfortunately, I have done this. Lying to yourself when you do catch feelings is a recipe for disaster. You end up hurting yourself and potentially the other person whenever you’re dishonest about any feelings.
8. Manipulate others into thinking they are the “only one.”
If you’re going on multiple dates with different people to see who fits best as far as compatibility, that’s fine. However, don’t lie and tell the person you’re interested in that they are the only one when they are not, or worse, you like someone else much more. That’s just not playing fair.
9. Ghost (unless absolutely necessary).
I’ve been Casper before, plenty of times, sometimes for valid reasons, and others for a lack of maturity. But if possible, try to be a decent human, especially if you met them in person. Online is another story, you get a bit more leeway since they are essentially a stranger. If you’ve spent 3+ dates with this person, don’t just spontaneously ghost them without just cause (unless the reason is your safety). And if you do break up with someone, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do it in public. You never know what will make someone snap.
10. Ignore red flags.
I’m looking at my women, femmes here (and a handful of men). We are taught it’s our job to rescue and fix people, but it’s not our sole purpose on this earth, believe it or not. You can’t change people, period. Walk away if someone crosses your boundaries or shows a pattern of behavior that’s dangerous. Protect yourself first.
11. Stay in a situationship if that’s not what you want.
As a flawed human, having navigated my early 20s to early 30s, I’m glad I’ve left this behind. Someone else always loves more, someone always gives more in this unequal exchange of emotional labor, even when there is an agreement to take emotions out of the equation. Physical attachments and emotional ones are intertwined; it’s biology. It may be easier for some to detach, but for us with open hearts and open eyes, sometimes it’s best to walk away when there is no commitment and no guarantee of change.
12. Take things personally when they don’t work out.
Last but not least, if you break up. It’s not personal. Maybe it’s the wrong person or the wrong timing; either way, you can only work on yourself until the next person comes along. Be it therapy, the gym, eating better, making friends outside romantic contenders, or just simply learning to be happy by yourself.
