Spring
Journal Entries
Constantly I feel like there’s a bright future ahead of me but I don’t know how to reach it. I tell myself that I am still young and that I have time that it’ll be okay, but I worry for how long can I keep telling myself these things, how long till my future stops being in my hands and becomes only a consequence of my inaction.
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I worry because I may be doing stuff, but I don’t think I’m doing enough of anything. I feel like I should pick one thing and give it my all but I just don’t love anything that much.
I often think of spring, blooming flowers in a lens of pink. A bright and warm blue sky. I picture myself laying down on the grass, looking up just taking up the sun on my skin and hearing the life around me. Peace. How I wish to live my days like these.
But lately I can’t see spring, not even the cold winter. All I see is grey. Big walls of concrete pushing me away, it’s like I can’t breathe and I barely see anything ahead of me. I trapped myself into these four walls and forgot where the door was supposed to be, so I lay here and do nothing.
That´s a lie though. Because if I fact check myself I actually do stuff. But my brain can’t seem to count anything I do cuz my heart is not on the plates I wash or the meals I cook, not even on the work I do, but my energy is low because here in these walls I can’t breathe, so I must do what they expect of me before I sleep.
Then the night comes and I think of spring again, and what I could do to feel the sun on my face, the grass on my hands and the peace on my heart yet again. I dream while I stay awake, but I’m not excited, I’m scared…that I’m letting my life go to waste.
