In medicine, there is a concept called triage, which means to prioritize the most critical aspect of the situation. The most critical aspect of life is to be yourself, as you cannot move forward otherwise. To become yourself, you must know yourself and embrace it. Many factors can hinder one’s ability to truly embrace who they are, like family, societal pressures, and internalized discrimination, among countless others. Embracing a version of “yourself” that is not you will never lead to becoming yourself; instead, it will lead to becoming someone else.

In my life, I have struggled to find myself, and struggled even more to become that person. Every factor listed above is one that I have dealt with personally, and it has made it extremely difficult to accept who I am. After a long battle with mental health that led me to almost take my life, I was forced to accept who I was just to stay alive. It was a difficult journey, but the first step I took was realizing that I am living this life, not anyone else. Once I realized that, the rest of it began to come naturally. I have nothing near a perfect sense of self, but now I want to live so I can find it. Once I was able to recognize that I was living a version of myself that needed to be perfect: the perfect daughter, sister, student, athlete, and Christian, I realized it was hurting the real me deep down, and I changed everything. I stopped being so hard on myself and focused on putting forth my best effort. My best is not always perfect. Realizing that helped me learn to actually enjoy life again and kickstart my journey toward finding out who I really am.

This obsession with perfection stems back to my childhood. Responsibility has always been a large part of my life. As a child with emotionally and verbally abusive parents, I always blamed myself. Whether it was a situation that occurred at home or one that occurred elsewhere, every time something was imperfect, I twisted it in my head until it somehow became my fault. When my sister was born, it became worse. When my parents would yell at me, I would sit alone and tell myself it was all my fault and I deserved it. When my sister would get in trouble, I would cry for her, not because I felt bad for her, but because I wanted better for her, and I tried to fix it myself.

I still live with my parents, and they have not changed, but I have. I have discovered that I do not need to be perfect; I need to be true to myself and the people I care about. There will always be things in my life which are out of my control, but the things I can control, I do. I cannot take responsibility for my parents’ decisions, but I can do my part and be the best daughter I can be without losing myself. I cannot control how the world sees me, but I can control how I see myself.

Authentic change is something that is felt, not just said. Authentic change is how you feel, no matter how people say you appear. During my struggles with mental health, I appeared the same on good days and rough days. No one ever knew. With this in mind, it is impossible for authentic change to be seen by anyone other than yourself. When you become the person you want to be, this change will come inevitably, and genuine happiness will follow, regardless of how long it takes.

I used to think that becoming a better person meant bowing down to everyone else and changing everything about myself to fit their mold. But all the molds are different. It is impossible to be perfect to everyone. Someone will always find something wrong. That is why, in order to become yourself, you have to find yourself– and embrace it.