Caged Bird Dies • iii

What is This Feeling x Wicked Cast

Solitude x Billie Holiday

Thank Goodness/Couldn’t Be Happier x Wicked For Good Cast

Trust that once you hear her voice, you’ll feel her venom. Once you feel her words, it’ll pierce through your soul. It’ll hurt. But if you’re lucky, she’ll give you the antidote afterwards. — my form of aftercare

“Lead us not into temptation. Keep us from the snare of the wicked one.” — Lead Us Not Into Temptation x Reba Rambo and Dony McGuire

“My Way” x Frank Sinatra

“Last of the Secret Agents” x Nancy Sinatra

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Liberation after grief is a constant uphill cycle. It’s not for everyone. You have to wake up every day and decide to be a better version than the day before. Sometimes, it’s easier to stay in the space you’re in, no matter the discomfort and occasional danger behind it all. But if you’re paying attention, you’ll find your chance to make that leap to your new beginning. Source is constantly giving us clues as to what’s coming up in our stage of life. If you’re self-aware like me, that shit seems to follow you everywhere, and it’s overwhelming at times. It’s because I wasn’t fully understanding what Source was trying to tell me. I’ve been told I can be stubborn…by Spirit and others…oopsie.

I grew up a Christian. I come from a fairly religious family. As mentioned before, my family is active in their communities. I was baptized, attended bible school, bible camp, and attended Sunday services when I was a girl. I stopped going once I had a choice not to go, and finally began working on Sundays. I always questioned the Bible. How did we know how accurate it was? I was about ten, wondering these questions. It all started with homosexuality and sodomy. I didn’t know what sodomy meant; I never researched the word then, I just knew it wasn’t the right term used.

I somehow always knew that sodomy wasn’t in regards to male to male relations, but actually adult to child relations. It was altered. No adult should lie down with a child at least half their age. There are obscure power dynamics. It’s different for adult-age gap relations, but not by much. What do you have in common? trauma.

I never thought it was unnatural to like the same sex. I knew when I was young, maybe four, playing with my dolls. I didn’t like Ken with Barbie. He was a loser. And look what happened in the Barbie Movie? Exactly.

I came out to my inner circle when I was fourteen. I told my sister, Chelsea, when I was 16, and the same for my Uncle. I didn’t tell my mom until I was 21. On Mother’s Day. I had a glass of red wine, looked at her, slightly buzzed enough to say, “You wanna know a secret?”

Everyone else knew through context. At that point, I didn’t see a point in advertising my preferences. I’m queer. I’m here. Get used to it, or don’t. I’m not altering the image for anyone. I’m me. She’s me. We are each other. Altar that.

I’d like to think I was a safe space for my queer friends. I miss that feeling here. I’ve had friends come out to me before telling others, and I’ll always treasure them and the moment. It takes a lot of guts to step out of the box society places us in. Sometimes, it’s hard being yourself because you’re afraid of being judged. Evil eyes are everywhere. And it’s hidden in plain sight, some of them; you have to stay vigilant. I also had friends question their sexuality or feelings for me. I’m not being cocky. I’m not trying to cause these feelings. My goal is to make sure my loved ones are loved unconditionally, with the help of my own love. If it’s mutual, we’ll both know and move in lock-step. My friends know that we should set the bar for each other. If I can, and have, paid a friend to stay home when she was sick. One of my best friends traveled with me from Virginia Beach to Georgia, even when I couldn’t come with her to travel to Texas for her internship. My boyfriend at the time didn’t give me flowers for my birthday, but one of my other best friends did. I never received flowers before this to my recollection, besides family. I’ve given plenty of flowers to my friends. Past and present. My last best friend, I speak to regularly, doing mental and spiritual check-ins. It’s gotten me out of weird situations. But that’s for another time. But in regards to my love, you can get too drunk off of it, so I try to be mindful and keep a healthy distance to protect both of us. It’s a delicate dance. Remember, I like red wine. haha

I knew from a young age that my Devil was in the form of a Blonde white woman. It shows up in many different forms. Some are small but intentional, and others are because they’re being told to. As if they’re empty vessels. Blondes aren’t. We aren’t. I was Blonde at one point. And I know a Queen or two with highlights. ❤

I started noticing angel numbers just before the pandemic. It was very subtle, and it progressively got louder (yes, like the saxophones lol) the next few months. Then, I even remember walking through the campus library and keeping catching books relating to death in my peripheral vision. I then remember seeing episodes on TV where the characters were at a funeral. It freaked me out. I had no idea what it could have meant. Was I about to die?

I was paranoid during finals week. I didn’t show it, but was highly self-aware of my surroundings. I didn’t realize what I was feeling was the start of my biggest ego death, and it involved death in two different ways. Like a distorted portal — spiritually split into two. Have you seen Everything Everywhere All at Once? That’s, calmly, but intensely, how I see life then. It’s insane. It was the end of the world — my distorted reality shock, but a blessing in disguise.

During the lockdown, I dove deeper into my spiritual journey. I meditated, went back to therapy, went vegan for a year, smoked weed discreetly (sorry, mom. kind of. I love you!), read tarot to myself and others — connecting to my Higher self. My Sun blossomed in solitude, with invited company.

Something that truly burns me about life as a Gen Z adult is that we are living in this misconception from older generations about life and within the workforce. In all industries. I see it on social media. It’s contagious. The devil in disguise.

(You’re the)Devil in Disguise x Alix Korey, All Shook Up Ensemble

Christian Says X Tones On Tail

I’ll never forget that at my last place of work, we were playing the game of word association. I believe it was the older generation versus the younger generation, coincidentally. Tibbi, from my perspective, is an older woman I worked with, who claimed that this is the Gen Z ladies’ and my first job. Maybe she meant a corporate job? It still wasn’t true, though. Or maybe it’s shortsightedness because older generations only saw us as children. We were 23–24 at the time. Young, but experienced. Most of us had leadership experience already. They don’t alter their opinion until you have a child or lose one.

It doesn’t necessarily matter how long it takes you to achieve your goals. As long as you’re content with yourself. Because in the end, you are the only one who can get you to the next stage of life. You don’t have to be alone, but make sure you have them vetted. The grass could always be greener on the other side, but watch out for the snakes in the ground. Don’t let them tread on you…Don’t give them a chance to even think about it.

Holy Grail X Jay-Z feat Justin Timberlake