“I Need to Buy the Attention of My Parents”

On financial dependence, conditional respect and the economics of family relationships

There is something rather uncomfortable about having to calculate the cost of being loved. Not in monetary terms necessarily, but in terms of what one must become, achieve or contribute before one's presence begins to matter.

I have often wondered whether parental attention is as unconditional as we are taught to believe. Or whether, in certain households, it gradually becomes associated with academic performance, obedience and, eventually, the ability to earn.

An earning child seems to occupy a different position in the family. Their opinions are heard, their decisions are considered, and their presence can become a matter of pride. The child who is still financially dependent, however, may find themselves having to explain even the most ordinary needs. Sometimes, their dependence becomes an argument against their opinions. As though not earning makes a person less entitled to dignity.

I find this distinction particularly troubling because financial dependence is often a temporary stage of life. A student depends on their parents while studying, a young adult may need support while looking for work, and someone starting their career may take years to become financially stable. None of these circumstances should determine how much respect a person deserves.

Yet money has a way of changing relationships, including those within families.

When the household is not an equal space

Economics traditionally examines households as units of consumption, production and resource allocation. But a household is not always the harmonious unit that simplified economic models might suggest. Its members have different preferences, varying degrees of control over resources and unequal bargaining positions.

Amartya Sen's work on cooperative conflicts within households challenges the assumption that family members always share the same interests. His analysis draws attention to the fact that cooperation and conflict can exist simultaneously within families.

This is relevant beyond the distribution of food, income or domestic responsibilities. The distribution of voice, consideration and decision-making power also matters.

Financial independence can influence an individual's bargaining position. Someone who earns and controls their own resources may have more freedom to make decisions than someone whose basic needs depend entirely on another person's willingness to provide for them.

But there is a distinction worth making here: economic dependence does not make someone inherently powerless, nor does earning automatically make someone respected. It can, however, alter the practical choices available to an individual.

And sometimes, that difference is enough to change the entire course of a person's life.

The price of being dependent

We often discuss poverty in terms of income, consumption and access to necessities. Less attention is given to the personal negotiations that can accompany financial dependence.

Consider a young person who must repeatedly justify their educational expenses, daily requirements or ordinary decisions. The issue may not always be the amount of money involved. It may be the experience of having to ask, explain and defend every need.

When this happens repeatedly, financial dependence can become an emotional burden as well.

The person begins to associate asking for something with discomfort. They may start avoiding requests, lowering expectations and postponing their needs. Eventually, earning money becomes about more than purchasing power.

It becomes about not having to ask.

This is where Amartya Sen's capability approach offers an interesting perspective. In Development as Freedom, Sen argues that development should be understood not merely through income or resources, but through the substantive freedoms people possess to live the lives they have reason to value.

Having money is a means. Having the actual freedom to make choices is a much larger achievement.

Applied to this discussion, financial independence matters not simply because it increases consumption, but because it can expand a person's ability to choose their environment, make decisions and exercise agency.

A salary cannot purchase a healthy childhood retrospectively. It cannot guarantee affection or repair every damaged relationship. But it can provide options that financial dependence may otherwise restrict.

I don't want to become an investment

There is another uncomfortable dimension to this subject: the expectation that children will eventually repay their parents through financial success.

Parental sacrifice is real, and the economic responsibilities of raising children should not be dismissed. Many families make considerable sacrifices to educate and support their children, particularly where resources are limited.

However, gratitude and permanent indebtedness are not the same thing.

A child's education should not become an investment whose returns are measured exclusively through future earnings. Nor should financial contribution become the condition for receiving ordinary respect.

Children are not financial assets. Their worth cannot be reduced to their future earning potential.

This does not mean that adult children have no responsibilities towards their parents. Mutual care and responsibility are important. But responsibility should emerge from consideration and relationships, not from the idea that affection must be earned through economic usefulness.

Perhaps independence is the real aspiration

For some people, financial success means a bigger house, expensive possessions, social recognition or a higher position in society.

For others, the ambition is considerably less glamorous.

It is the ability to pay for one's own education without anxiety. To make ordinary decisions without anticipating humiliation. To live in an environment where silence is not punishment and disagreement does not have to become disrespect. To have the freedom to leave an unhealthy environment without feeling that survival depends on somebody else's approval.

I think this aspect of financial independence deserves more attention.

We frequently encourage young people to become successful, but rarely ask what kind of freedom they are actually pursuing through that success.

Sometimes ambition is not born out of a desire to have more. It emerges from the desire to no longer be at the mercy of circumstances one cannot control.

And perhaps this is what makes economic independence particularly significant for someone whose home has ceased to feel emotionally secure.

The transaction I actually want

The title of this essay suggests a transaction: buying parental attention.

But I do not think attention should have a price. Respect should not depend on a bank balance, and a person's dignity should not fluctuate with their employment status.

I do not want to earn money so that my opinions become acceptable or my existence becomes more valuable to my family. I already have opinions, ambitions and an identity independent of my economic position.

What I want is the ability to sustain myself without having to ask for everything. I want the freedom to choose where I live and how I conduct my life. I want financial security to be a source of independence rather than a measure of superiority.

Perhaps the real tragedy is not that some children grow up wanting to become rich. It is that some grow up wanting to become financially independent simply so that they can stop feeling like a burden.

I don't want to buy the attention of my parents anymore.

I want to reach a point where the absence of that attention no longer determines the conditions of my existence.

If money is the price of my independence, then that is the investment I am willing to make.