On Paternal Postpartum Mental Health
Last week in class at Postpartum Support International, our facilitator, Danny Singley spoke extensively about paternal mental health. It was such an illuminating class because I had very little knowledge of paternal postpartum depression. I have read it in research and made reference to it in some of my work, but I had not fully delved into it.
And truthfully, as I listened to our facilitator speak on it and shared some videos of real men talking about their experiences of postpartum depression, a part of me scoffed. Like, “what are these men talking about?” “What have you got to be depressed about?” “Did you carry the child?” “Get over yourself already!”
And the comment section of those videos agreed with me. The comments were wild and indicative of how much knowledge is left on the table regarding the mental health of non-carrying male partners in a relationship.
However, the conversation in class also took me back to the early days and months of giving birth to our daughter. My husband almost died. From stress. Going back and forth to the hospital for the five days that I was admitted, to being on night shift with the baby while working during the day, because he was not on paternity leave at the time. It was brutal
And what made it worse was that he could not complain. I was a visible mess. I was so out of sort from the physical pain of CS, the body dysmorphia, the mental disorientation, the emotional frustration of not exactly knowing how to be everything this child needs and also the lack of the help that I needed at the time.
So, how could he complain when I was in a worse state than whatever he was feeling. How I saw him dealt with it was to take some time away in the afternoon to be alone. No phone calls, no disturbance, no crying baby. Nothing.
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And even then, I felt he was being selfish. How could he do that? And leave me alone with the baby? Could I ever just do that? Did we not make this baby together?
I was of no help at all. And I think that made it worse for him. Cos he was killing himself to ensure that I was fine and all his efforts proved abortive.
So, I understand the finding that the male partners of mums with postpartum struggles are likely going to struggle as well. I totally agree with that. That was us.
It was not until months after (probably 4 or 6 months after) that I took the time to ask how he was doing. That was when the cloud started to clear. It was then that I got help physically and for my mental health. It was also when I went back to work. It was then I thought to ask him if he was okay. And even then, he did not complain. He found a way to make it about me.
I know taking care of your family should be a given. Handling your responsibility does not necessarily make you a hero. But in a society where we have men who could not be bothered with taking care of the women they got pregnant. A world where we even have men who think bringing in the money is the only responsibility they owe their family. Then men like my husband ought to be lauded and praised for their extra efforts to be all for their family. Not only that, they ought to be cared for, be preserved and kept sane so that they can be here for longer. So that we can have them to hold for more years and so that they can teach our sons how to love their wives.
This is why I am grateful to people like Tunmise Kuku for hosting “A Fight For Life” annually for men. And for Danny Singley for creating a community where men can be vulnerable and receive the care and love that they need to be sane.
Because we all deserve to be heard, to be loved and to be seen.
