The Beginning
It feels like joy
doesn’t know me too well
like joy doesn’t frequent here
often
like every time,
I try to enjoy
I bury my very own
coffin
no source of joy around
no joy derived
within
I try and try
with all my
might
but still,
I end off
thin.
I hate that being around
my self is
not a
place to be found.
I feel the vultures
swarming me,
no soul left to be found.
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I hate the fact that that to find joy
I must extend it short
that just because my eyes
are grey
I must be one with
MORE.
I hate the fact that to
find joy
I have to run around.
As if joy knows
something
I don’t.
it laughs and
Cries to
sound.
I hate that I don’t listen
much, that I can’t get
it right.
No joy is
found in this dark
place, profound
without
delight.
I hate how every scene seems to
play out
in the same colour.
Cannot tell up from down
Nor you from me
I feel so smothered.
Visions of chocolate banana bread,
Swirling around in my head
The things that take this edge
away.
Without,
I’d rather
be dead.
The joy that exists
in outside things,
these things I now can’t obtain.
I hate how this fabric of being,
makes up my fucking game.
A game riddled in so much black
you’d think that
nothing lives here,
but alas, that one
it perks its ears up,
it KNOWS that all to
fear.
I fucking hate it here inside this mind
that feels no joy.
No purpose to any of it at all,
I might as well deploy.
Deploy to another world
to help me
get into that
feeling.
Deploy into the
life that devoids
me of actually
healing.
I hate the realities of this
mess,
I hate it with all my
being. None of it seems
worth my while.
None of it seems worth
Seeing.
I hate it all
I hate it all
And how could I
even know
without being shown the ways of joy,
that always come
then GO.
emphasis is on the go, I’m not sure why they leave
Why I can’t hold this trick of joy
up my own very sleeve.
It sucks I hate this place so much,
It shows me that I CAN
but just because I CAN
does not mean that it’s
what I stand.
I hate this place that sucks out joy
or maybe I just can’t see it
for the girls around, they giggle with SOUND
and I just try to force it.
When will laughs finally be real,
When will smiles,
light up.
When will eyes sparkle with joy,
be void of all the doubt.
When will it be my turn
to FINALLY
feel free
devoid of all these inner
demons constantly
chastising
me.
