My Struggle with Post-Partum Depression
This one’s an extremely personal post about something that most mothers go through, albeit at different levels. I’m talking about post-natal depression, popularly known as “baby blues”. While you are well-aware that your physical health will be at its most delicate after giving birth, what you’re not told is that your mental health is going to go haywire. Your hormones go through a complete dip just after delivery, leaving you at your vulnerable best. I could not, for the life of me, figure out why I was getting all teary-eyed while leaving the hospital. It was almost like I had developed a deep sense of attachment with that small room where I had spent the first 3 days with my baby. I had no idea how to take care of my health and the baby, once back home. On the car ride back home, I kept getting overwhelmed just thinking about what a monumental thing it was, to take my baby to his home. On reaching home, nothing seemed right. The house seemed too dirty, the bed too uncomfortable and the baby’s cradle too small. Like any new mother, I was having major problems feeding the baby. By the same evening, I was crying like crazy because my husband opened his laptop to work and I felt the baby was too warm in his blanket! During the coming weeks, I kept tearing up every now and then. I would cry in the shower, come back, try to feed my baby and then cry some more. The fact that I was now responsible for a little life loomed large. But what scared me the most was the sheer love that I felt for the little guy, and how vulnerable it made me feel. I just did not feel capable of taking care of him. I was missing my physical stamina, but most of all my life. It suddenly struck me that life as I knew it was over. It was like a dark cloud had descended over my head, and was following me around. I felt my husband was too occupied with his work and the baby. He told me our baby had taken over his priority list, and that made me feel even more alone. Although my mother did provide some reassurance, she could still not understand why I was feeling this way. As I was incessantly worrying about my life, career, etc; she told me not to be ungrateful and to look forward to this next phase of life. When I felt that nobody could understand me, I even tried seeking professional help.
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I slowly got back to my routine. I resumed my spiritual practice, started light exercise and took short breaks to watch TV, read books, etc. Things began to look up after two months, though I still felt down in the dumps occasionally. Today, I’m glad that I was able to overcome this phase and embrace motherhood with all my heart.
For the new mothers/mommies-to-be, I hope you find some solace in my journey. While every mother gives birth, that doesn’t undermine the beauty or uniqueness of your journey. Not every mother child relationship is love at first sight. Accept whatever you’re feeling and know that like everything else, this too shall pass. Give yourself as much time as you need to fully recover. There’s no bench-marking here. And yes, do reach out for help when you feel you need it.
For partners, your wife needs you almost as much as your baby. Don’t leave her to fend for herself. The support you give her right now might just determine your future together as parents.
