Still Kind After Everything
Suppressed pain doesn’t disappear, it builds up and it waits
I recently listened to a conversation by Gabor Maté, a physician and author, with Steven Bartlett on the Diary of the CEO podcast, and honestly, it opened my mind in ways I did not expect.
One thing that deeply stayed with me was learning that when Gabor was still a baby, his mother gave him away for six weeks during one of the most painful periods of her life, around the same time his grandparents were killed.
As a child, he internalized that experience as rejection.
At just one year old, Gabor says he unconsciously believed he was responsible for making his mother’s life difficult. Imagine carrying that kind of emotional burden before even understanding the world.
And that’s the thing about trauma.
Trauma is not only what happens to us externally.
Trauma is what happens inside of us as a result of what happened outside.
That belief of “I’m not good enough” followed Gabor into adulthood and even affected his marriage and work. He became highly driven, constantly showing up and achieving, but underneath it all was a deep need to prove his worth.
That part really made me think because most of us are functioning, achieving, smiling, working, and showing up every day while secretly being driven by wounds we don’t even recognize.
Most people are living with trauma without realizing it is quietly driving their lives.
We become puppets to pain we never healed from.
And honestly, there is no freedom in that.
One thing Gabor said that also stayed with me is that people simply want to be heard. Children especially need emotional safety, attention, and acceptance. Even in loving families, children can still be wounded when emotional needs are constantly ignored or frustrated over time.
As children, we have no choice but to adapt in order to feel accepted.
Sometimes we slowly disconnect from our authentic selves just to survive emotionally.
And eventually, many people begin lying to themselves because they have been disconnected from their reality for so long that it becomes a defense mechanism.
Another thing that stood out to me was the idea that every human being is creative because we are created in the image of God. Creativity is naturally inside all of us, but many people never discover it because life becomes filled with distractions, survival, responsibilities, and emotional pain.
People are busy, overwhelmed, and disconnected from themselves.
That reminds me of the quote:
“The normal state of mind in most human beings contains a strong element of distraction.”
And sometimes we confuse what is common with what is healthy.
Just because something has been normalized does not mean it is natural or emotionally safe.
This part especially made me reflect on African homes and extended family environments.
I genuinely believe there are many things that have been normalized in some homes that deeply affect children emotionally, even if nobody realizes it at the time.
Don’t get me wrong, parents and guardians absolutely have the right to discipline children. But I often ask myself:
What is the point of discipline if the method itself leaves long-term emotional wounds?
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I am not trying to tell parents how to raise their children.
I just think the approach matters.
There were many times growing up when elders would scream, shout, or react so intensely that deep inside I would quietly think:
“It’s really not that deep.”
And sometimes, after everything calmed down, I would realize I was genuinely wrong and deserved correction.
But there were also moments where I could feel in my gut that the reaction was extreme and far beyond the situation itself.
At the time, I did not understand that sometimes people react from accumulated pain, stress, trauma, disappointment, or emotional exhaustion that has very little to do with the current situation.
I wish I had understood that as a teenager.
There was a period in my life where I could barely defend myself whenever I was accused of something or misunderstood. I would freeze, stay quiet, cry, and carry the pain internally because I genuinely did not know how to express myself.
And maybe that is why the phrase:
“It’s not about you”
never made sense to me back then.
Until recently.
There’s this laundry lady at a place I started going to.
I had never met her before in my life, but from the very first interaction, I could feel anger and discomfort from her.
I greeted her kindly, but she barely responded.
The whole afternoon after that interaction, I kept replaying the moment in my mind, wondering if maybe I had unknowingly offended her somehow. I searched my memory trying to figure out whether we had met before or if I had done something wrong.
But I couldn’t find anything.
And honestly, I’m not the kind of person who treats strangers badly.
Weeks passed.
Then weeks became months.
Every time I went there, I carried the weight of that tension because this was the only laundry place nearby, which meant I had to keep seeing her regularly.
Eventually, it started stressing me emotionally.
One day before going there, I talked to dad about it.
And in the simplest way possible, he explained something that changed my perspective.
He said:
“When people are growing up or when they become adults, there are many heavy things they are fighting privately. The unfortunate thing about life is that all of us are living it for the first time. Nobody does it perfectly. We are all learning through endless lessons. So you have to learn to live with people.”
For the first time in my life, the phrase:
“It’s not about you”
finally made sense.
