Somewhere Between Who I Was and Who I’m Becoming
So, this year I completed my bachelor degree …
The transition was something I wasn’t ready for.
Slowly, everything started to change, and within a few months, I could barely recognise the person I was becoming.
Last year, I was having the time of my life, experiencing every bit of it and doing things I had never imagined I was capable of. It was a year I know I will never truly get over. A year that made me more confident and helped me discover parts of myself I didn’t know existed.
I was selected as one of the top five students to represent my university in an exchange programme in an entirely new country. I experienced life in a different country, stepped out of my comfort zone, secured an internship I had never imagined myself getting, and went on a solo trip to another country. And there were so many other little moments that made that year feel amazing.
Every experience taught me something new and brought out something different in me. With every new thing I tried, I discovered a little more of what I was capable of.
But then…
I graduated.
And somehow, everything started to change.
Everything inside me and everything around me felt different. The people, my thoughts, my desires, my goals… everything.
I felt like I had lost something. I lost my charm.
It was a strange feeling, as though something was missing inside me, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. It felt like a blank space somewhere in my heart and mind, something I couldn’t fill no matter how hard I tried.
I just couldn’t process things the way I used to. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to do next or where I was supposed to go.
I wasn’t exactly unhappy, but I wasn’t happy either.
I didn’t feel bad, but I didn’t feel good.
I didn’t feel productive. I wanted to do something, anything, but I didn’t know what. I wanted to move forward, but I couldn’t figure out in which direction.
It was such a strange feeling, one I couldn’t properly explain, even to myself.
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Months passed, and the feeling only seemed to grow deeper. I kept trying to understand what I was going through, how I could get past it, and what I could do to feel better about myself. But I couldn’t find an answer.
And somewhere along the way, I started changing into a person I would never have imagined I would become.
I slowly started working on myself. I began building small habits, trying to make myself a little better each day. I started working out and doing things that I hoped would help me find myself again.
Most of these changes were good. I could see myself trying, growing, and making an effort to become better. And I’m proud of myself for that.
But even after all of this, there was still a part of me searching for that missing piece of my soul.
And I still haven’t found it.
I’m trying to make every day count. I’m trying to improve myself, discover new things, and become someone I can be proud of. But the truth is, I still don’t know what my path looks like.
I don’t know where I want to go.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering, How do I move forward when I don’t even know where I’m going?
It’s a feeling I can’t quite put into words.
And yet, despite all the uncertainty, I’m still moving forward.
I don’t know in which direction, but I am moving forward.
Maybe a few months from now, I’ll look back at this phase of my life and laugh at how confused I was. Or maybe I’ll look back and realise just how far I’ve come, how much I’ve struggled, and how much I’ve grown through everything I felt during this time.
Maybe I’ll finally understand why things had to change the way they did. Maybe I’ll find the things I’ve been searching for, or maybe I’ll discover that what I was looking for was something entirely different.
I don’t know.
But I hope that, someday, I’ll look back at these months and feel grateful for the experiences I’ve had, the changes I’ve gone through, and even the uncertainty I’m experiencing right now. And I hope I’ll feel the same about the months that are yet to come.
For now, I’m just trying to make each day count, become a little better than I was yesterday, and trust myself enough to keep going.
I may not know where I’m headed, but I’m still on my way.
And maybe, for now, that’s enough.
