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Her Words on Love: Erika’s Marriage Advice to Last a Lifetime
By Wendell Pierson
“Make sure your spouse is your best friend – the one you want to spend your time with. The one you ‘want’ to do nice things for. The one you instinctively want to protect.”
In honor of Erika – my beautiful wife, partner, and best friend – I wanted to share one of her writings. These are her reflections on what it takes to build a lasting, joyful, and resilient marriage. She lived these words with grace, humor, and unmatched wisdom. I hope they bless you the way she blessed me and everyone who knew her.
What Is Your Best Relationship Advice?
My best relationship advice is to be on the same page. This does not mean that you agree with everything. Rather, being on the same page means that you’re aligned on the things that matter to you the most – money, raising a family, lifestyle, and making big decisions. Always find time for one another, like regular date nights (especially once you have kids), and be willing to talk openly and honestly. No topic is off limits.
I believe spouses should have a joint bank account and share all expenses because you are now one. Irrespective of how much money one makes, everyone contributes to the household in different ways to make it whole. There should never be “he pays 60% of the bills and she pays 40% because he makes more.”
If that is your feeling, maybe you are not truly ready to share your life. Does the fact that only a mother can breastfeed mean the baby should get 60% formula so dad can contribute? Of course not – that’s simply a role he can’t play, and the mom will give 100%.
Marriage requires that you redefine “equal.” Equality in marriage does not always mean 50/50.
Money and sex are the most common causes of divorce. You must early on come to agreements about money. Will you have a budget? What is the cut-off point for making purchases without the other person’s knowledge? This is hugely important and that number may change over time as your finances change. Will you use credit cards and if so, how? Saving for retirement and college funds?
When we got married I was definitely more loosey-goosey with money and credit and spending, and your dad had to teach and convince me a lot. Over time we came to agreements on all aspects of money and yes, I had to compromise and change my ways in the early years! But guess what – everything we did paid off. We are in a much more stable financial situation, living, going into retirement, and paying for college for three kids, than most of our friends and colleagues who, in their 50s, are regretting the financial decisions they made or didn’t make in their 20s and 30s. (But that’s a whole other book – already written by others!)
You need to be on the same page about children. And you must be willing to compromise! How many kids, if any? Religion? Public or private school? Discipline (one parent cannot be the sole disciplinarian)? Social media?
Conversation. It is so important to communicate about the small and big things. Be willing to say you are sorry if you hurt the other person, even if unintentional. Don’t go to bed angry. Do not let issues fester. Bring up the small and big things. We all have pet peeves. For example, it drove your dad insane that I left my shoes all over the house. Even though I didn’t think it was a big deal, it was clearly a huge issue for him – that I had to change. Now, I am not perfect, but I do a heck of a lot better!
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Mutual respect is crucial in a marriage. No one wants to feel disrespected. Do not marry a person you think will change! People do not change because they get married. People change only if they choose to change. So don’t ever think, “things will be better once we are married” – that is a recipe for disaster.
And like Kenny Rogers said: You gotta know when to hold ’em, and know when to fold ’em.
In-laws – be careful how much you share with them. This is a bigger issue for women. The reality is your parents want you to be 100% happy all the time, which no one is. And they don’t forgive as easily as you might, and too much involvement in the negative aspects can make them form bad opinions of your spouse.
Even though you are married, don’t forget to date (especially when you have kids). Every now and then bring your spouse flowers or another token just to say I love you or thank you. Go on regular date nights out of the house. Always take an annual vacation AWAY from the kids to reconnect. Don’t be that couple that has never traveled without their kids.
Lastly, I want to say that you can absolutely have a successful marriage and have different views on religion and politics and have different hobbies – as long as you are respectful of those views and at least try the hobby. There is something positive to be said about being different too!
It’s a big challenge, but maintaining your friendships outside the marriage is important too – and make sure you have mutual friends as well.
But more importantly:
Make sure your spouse is your best friend.
The one you want to spend your time with.
The one you’re excited to see when they get home.
The one you “want” to do nice things for.
The one you instinctively want to protect.❤️❤️
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In Loving Memory of Erika
Thank you for reading.
If her words touched your heart, feel free to share this post or leave a comment in her memory. Her love live on.
