It’s over
My heart broke and it is done
I blocked his number.
I discussed it earlier.
I have spent about 3 weeks going over the changes.
Back and forth across the nuances.
Checking and rechecking why this went from full throttle to excuses and nothing.
I fell so hard for this one.
It was mind blowingly beautiful.
I caught myself saying ‘pinch me please’
‘am I dreaming, is the most beautiful moments in 20 years or what?’
I had to admit it was.
I found myself giddy with happiness.
But as my hot air balloon rose steadily.
His sank steadily.
I was like what/how/huh?/why God why ?
He said many things.
He said he was ‘overwhelmed’ and he went pale and ran away
He said ‘it was too much’, his face contorting with the words in anguish — in pain.
He said ‘my mental health isn’t that good’ and didn't elaborate on how I could assist.
He said ‘I’m very busy with work’.
He said ‘I have someone else I have got to see who I think needs me more than you do’ and ran off in bad clothes and bad hair in front of my startled dinner party colleagues.
He said ‘Study is full-on’.
He said ‘I prefer to leave it folded’ when asked if he tried on the new clothes I bought him lovingly online.
I told him all the whimsical things on my texts.
I showed him the places I went, the beaches.
I sent him funny pictures.
I told him how the guy snoring next door sounded like him and I missed him even more.
I told him how I really wanted to see him and hear about all of it.
I said I would do anything to help
But
there was nothing
nothing but sheets and
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walls
of silence
deafening silence
weeks of silence
he sent a picture with dead eyes asking if that was the cheese we had
I excitedly agreed
and then
there was
days more of silence
big loud
SILENCE
I felt sick
I couldn't eat
he then sent a picture that he got the present but nothing to say he liked it
I asked
do u want to still >>> know me, see me later, chat to me, be involved with me???????
nothing but flat hard
silence
I cried,
I held my forehead
I looked me hard in the mirror
my friend agreed I had really tried.
I had tried to learn about his particular childhood
I had tried to understand his recent absolution of his end of marriage and his constant communication with the entire pack of family in the wings
I had tried to learn all sorts of things about autism, neurodivergence and mental health battles and depression
I had tried to be an open friendly door
I had tried to even just be a friend
it was all rejected by the words of the silence.
So instead of letting it kill me
tonight I just blocked him
I want a boyfriend
not torture for caring
