The Trauma of Embarrassment
So, I was on stage, singing and playing at a concert. As I stood there belting out my song, I felt something strange. The elastic waist in my skirt gave way, and I had to hold it up at the back to keep it from falling to my ankles. As they say, the show must go on, but I don’t even remember how I got through the rest of the song, let alone the second part of the concert, when I played my clarinet. At least I was sitting down for that part… but I needed both hands to play.
This was in 6th grade. I was eleven years old. Fifty-six years ago. Today, my heart still sinks, and I’m filled with anxiety when I think about it. Because of my evasive maneuvers during the crisis, I’m not sure anyone realized how distressed I was. The event was so long ago… but the embarrassment still feels fresh when I remember it, which isn’t often.
Why does embarrassment last longer than the thing we were embarrassed about in the first place? To be clear, clinically speaking, embarrassment is not necessarily trauma… but it sure feels like it when you’re going through it. I’m certain no one but me remembers that moment… even my mother, who made the skirt for me. But I still cringe when I think about the panic.
When we have these embarrassing moments, two factors are really at play. First, the event itself. Then, there is what we imagine everybody thinks of us because it happened. The second part is the worst, and it’s the part that sticks with you for a long time. Everybody else forgot… I didn’t. It feels traumatic because our brain tags an intensely emotional social experience as important.
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We are the stars of our own movie, the movie of our life. We think everybody else is watching and logging our successes and failures (and our embarrassments), but the truth is… they are busy starring in their own movies. So, it’s about those 3 am sessions we have with ourselves, wondering why we said that stupid thing at the party tonight. We need to remember that the other folks at the party are thinking about some stupid thing they said… at the party, or elsewhere. It can be so comforting to remind ourselves of that.
Have you ever experienced “secondhand embarrassment”? The best example is watching a movie and seeing someone make a fool of themselves. You might cover your face or even fast-forward a bit to avoid feeling uncomfortable and embarrassed for the character. This isn’t even happening to you, yet your empathy and social awareness may make it hard to watch.
So, why does embarrassment affect us so strongly? Is it something we do to ourselves? Most likely, yes. Why am I still holding an eleven-year-old version of myself accountable for something so minor, so long ago, and that nobody remembers anyway? We wouldn’t hold another person accountable for something like this. Well, no… we would be the person who doesn’t remember anyway.
So, when that bully brain of ours reminds us at 3 am about that thing that happened that time, we need to find some tenderness to offer that younger version of ourselves, desperate to fit in, belong, be approved, be cool, clever, or whatever we were thinking at the time. I know it’s easier said than done sometimes… but it’s okay to remind yourself it’s time to move on.
-Cat
Originally published at https://thehokeypokey.substack.com on October 23, 2026.
