“how hard could it hurt?! he is just a child.”
let me tell you. it will hurt. it does. it will be hurting the child until the end of their life, the life of their children, grandchildren, spouses. it will hurt everybody. but you never know. because how could a person who does not know about trauma be a parent in the first place?! how could a person who does not know their flaws in their personality that would cause years of tears, pain be a parent?! how could a person who is not well-educated enough on grief, anger, coping skills, stress biology be a parent?!
i am taking Trauma-Informed Practices class. boy, was i hurt multiple times even in three classes! this class hurt my soul, bones, memories, everything. because trauma psychology is this powerful. we don’t think so much about actual traumatic experiences. we sometimes joke about it, we sometimes make a “big deal” out of it, we sometimes blame other people for that in the same world they have never known or cared about trauma.
now i will talk about a coping skill a young child, infant has. they have only one coping skill. yeah, only one. the only one is us — adults. safe, secure, bonded caregivers, parents are the coping skills. my mind was blown away when i heard this info from my professor. it will forever be in my heart. i will be a coping skills one day for a human being. when you actually think about it, it will be a little scary, and gives you a little more responsibility than you think. now imagine. that child has come to the world to learn. how does the child learn how to live? they imitate, they see, sense, hear, smell, touch. they learn things by sensation. purely sensation. way before they even learn how to babble. imagine that child is learning how the world works, and the adult who is supposed to be a coping skill, has some anger issues, in not a stable relationship, financially and emotionally insecure. that adult would get mad at the baby when he gets wet too often, when he cries too much, when he does not let the adult sleep peacefully. and then the adult would yell. the parents would fight. the child senses the environment, hear the trembling voices, senses the vibration, sees the angry faces. and we call this a trauma. congratulations, your child does know that world is a scary place from the beginning.
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unless one of the adult is warmer, more caring, and can give some comfort. but still. the child’s mind is forever coded to internalize the problems happening in their house until they figure out the reason years after.
wow. shocking. isn’t it?! poor children. i know, children can be annoying, messy, very repetitive, pain in the neck. why? because they don’t know any other type of communication other than giving you a hard time. they don’t have enough words. they can’t determine their feelings yet. they don’t know how to explain. instead, they cry, make tantrums, be fussy, showing other signs of discomfort. and what do we do when they try to communicate with us? we yell, we get mad, we raise our voices, we shut them down. we — grown up adults, who managed to have kids, who wanted kids, who is supposed to know basic needs, biology, mind of the kids, who is meant to be their one and only coping skill. now who is communicating better in this case? i would say kids. they are using the only resources they have. we are using the least we have. isn’t it a bit unfair to them? because we wanted them in the first place?! kind of ironic, right?
honestly, we can do better than this. we can actually work on how to be trauma-informed, well-educated to have a child. if your child is behaving certain way, if they are having emotional and behavioral problems, maybe the problem starts with you. maybe you also struggle emotionally and sometimes behaviorally as well.
please, give the children a childhood they deserve. please, don’t hurt them. if you know you would hurt them in the long-run, please, work on yourself before having children.
because it hurts. it will always hurt. especially when you are a child.
