Escaping the Hell Loop of Guilt: A Story for Dog Parents Who Feel Like They’re Failing
“It’s not that we don’t care. It’s that we’re overwhelmed, misinformed, and quietly struggling.”
In psychology, a hell loop refers to a feedback loop where a negative emotion remains at the center of your focus. For example, if anger is at the center, you might find yourself either frequently angry or spending so much energy trying not to be angry that you’re still entirely consumed by it. Either way, the emotion is still in control.
This also happens with guilt and shame. Many dog owners, especially those with curly-coated dogs (e.g. Poodles, Doodles, etc.) are unknowingly trapped in a hell loop centered on guilt and shame. And this deeply affects both them and their dogs.
The Curly-Coated Dog Struggle (and the Shame That Follows)
Caring for a curly-coated dog is uniquely challenging. These coats require a specific kind of care, yet most owners aren’t given the proper education. The dominant advice encourages daily brushing, which sounds simple, until real life kicks in. Life gets busy. Owners miss a day, then another. Before they know it, their dog ends up matted again.
They feel ashamed, embarrassed, and afraid of being judged. Some wonder if they’re bad dog owners. In extreme cases, they may even worry that they’re being neglectful.
It is true that matting can be a sign of neglect or cruelty, but the presence of mats does not always mean cruelty is occurring. Matting exists on a spectrum. Many loving, well-meaning owners end up with matted dogs simply because they are overwhelmed, under-supported, or misinformed.
Matting exists on a spectrum.
It can be a sign of neglect, but it often isn’t. Many loving, well-meaning dog parents are simply overwhelmed, under-supported, or misinformed.
Guilt Keeps Us Stuck, and Our Dogs Pay the Price
We conducted an anonymous survey where dog parents shared their honest experiences. The results were eye-opening. Many owners were struggling, not just with their dogs’ coats, but also with how they felt about themselves as caretakers.
In public, though, it looks different:
• They put on a brave face
• They downplay how bad the matting is
• They pretend everything is fine, until the groomer says, “Your dog needs to be shaved again.”
That moment becomes a low point. But for many, it is also a wake-up call.
Escaping the Loop
When guilt and shame dominate dog ownership, people get stuck in all kinds of ways:
- Brushing obsessively, out of fear
- Avoiding the groomer
- Keeping their dog’s coat short, out of defeat
All of these responses come from a deep desire to do better, but without the support or tools to make real change.
Guilt doesn’t move us forward. Shame keeps us hiding from ourselves, from each other, and from real solutions.
If we want to build a better future for our curly-coated dogs, we must give ourselves permission to be human. We must allow room for mistakes and say, “I didn’t know what I was doing, but I’m ready to learn.”
Get Tiffany’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
This doesn’t apply to cases of genuine cruelty. That is a different conversation. What we are talking about here are the majority of dog owners who care deeply and are struggling silently.
What CurlyWags Is Doing Differently
At CurlyWags, we are addressing this problem directly. We believe the first step out of the hell loop is creating shame-free spaces for dog owners. These are spaces where people can say,
“My dog is matted, and I’m not proud of it, but I’m here to find a better way.”
We also believe the way we care for curly-coated dogs needs to evolve. That’s why we created the CurlyWags Method. It is a vet-approved, science-backed grooming routine inspired by the curly girl and natural hair movements. Rather than promoting daily brushing, we focus on structured coat care session once every two weeks that reduce matting and make coat care more manageable.
It may not work for every dog or every person, and that’s okay. We are not here to shame people who follow other methods. We are simply offering another path, and building a community around support, learning, and honesty.
This Is Bigger Than Us
Staying in a hell loop of guilt and shame creates a culture of silence, false appearances, and hidden struggles. We have seen this play out in other areas of life, especially around taboo or sensitive topics. From reproductive health to miscarriage and mental health, people have often suffered silently, only to learn that so many others were going through the same thing.
We don’t need to keep repeating that pattern.
Let’s stop pretending everything is fine. Let’s open up, share what is really happening, and support each other in caring for our curly-coated companions. We can make this easier for ourselves, for each other, and most importantly, for our dogs.
We’re not here to but perfect, but to be real together
That is the mission behind the CurlyWags Movement.
Where to Start
If you’re curious about a gentler, more intuitive way to care for curly-coated dogs, you’re not alone. Many pet parents are rethinking what grooming can look like.
We offer one-on-one curl consults for those who want personalized guidance, and we’ve also developed tools to support this approach including a curl-friendly cream that allows you to not have to brush every day, but rather just once every 2 weeks.
If you’re looking for community, the CurlyWags Club on Facebook is a welcoming space to ask questions, share your journey, and connect with others navigating similar challenges.
You can find more about CurlyWags in my bio.
