Maybe it really is just me.
But I hope not?
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What has caused my deep sense of internal inadequacy? Where did that start, and why is it rearing its head again right now? Is it because I’m so scared of what I’d do if something happens to my marriage? I know it’s definitely triggered when I think about getting a different/more serious job. Doing something with high/any stakes scares the crap out of me and I freeze completely and shut down or don’t even try when I think I might not be good/smart/qualified enough for the job.
Is it emotional hyper-vigilance (a term I only just discovered)? Why am I always so aware of what is happening around me? It is overwhelming to feel like you are conscious of the moods and needs of so many people — not just my family but really anywhere. It’s hard to describe and I don’t think I’m the only person who does this, but it’s exhausting sometimes to notice so much. It’s also embarrassing that I know/notice so many details about what’s going on around me and with other people. It definitely doesn’t help with my self esteem and low confidence — because I notice and remember so many small details that when it isn’t reciprocated it often feels like it’s because people don’t care, and I have to remind myself that most of the time that’s not the case — I have to continue to put myself out there and ask for things that I need from people — I can’t expect them to know what I’m thinking or that I feel left out or that there’s something bothering me.
Why am I sometimes so convinced that I can tell what other people are thinking about me? Or that they are even thinking about me at all? It feels so self centered and is embarrassing to even admit it — makes me feel like the woman in the window who knows what’s going on with everyone around her but wonders why no one cares what’s going on with her. Because it definitely feels that way sometimes — that there’s no one who cares enough about what’s going on with me. I know I can’t expect anyone to know that I’m going through something. And there aren’t many people that I’ve been comfortable telling about what is going on, who I think would really understand how I’m feeling. But right now it’s lonely. I really appreciate deep connections and I don’t feel that I have many of those right now. Which makes it really hard to have a good self esteem — when I want and try to make those connections and they just don’t seem to stick where do I go from there. Because then it turns into feeling depressed again — like I’ve reached out and asked for help and people know what’s going on but no one’s reaching out for me. And it sucks.
