Faces
I am good for a while
I’ll talk more, laugh more
Sleep and eat normally.
But then something happens
Like a switch turns off somewhere
And all I am left with is the darkness of my mind.
But each time it seems like I sink
Deeper and deeper
And I am scared...
Terrified that one day I won’t make it back up.
I feel like I am gasping for air
Screaming for help
But everyone just looks at me
With confused faces.
Wondering what I am struggling over
When they’re all doing just fine
And it makes me feel crazy.
What the hell is wrong with me?
A mask put on, to hide the bad.
A jester's grin, to cover tears,
A puppet's dance, to hide the fears.
In shadows deep, she walks alone,
A soul adrift, a heart unknown.
Beneath the mask, her pain concealed,
A silent plea that’s never revealed.
With every smile, a silent cry,
Beneath the laughter, a soul denied.
It whispers, a tempest’s roar,
A turbulent sea on a distant shore.
This disorder is difficult.
Everyday is a battle in your head.
Fighting your emotions, reminding yourself that you are good enough and your friends don’t hate you.
One wrong word, one look, anything that feels like rejection, IS rejection. Then you obsess about it. You pick things apart. It is a war zone in your own mind. Trying to control everything in your head is pain staking. Exhausting.
Some days it feels like you don’t have a heart. Other days it feels like it is going to explode out of your chest.
Some days suck, some days are great but you never know what each day holds. You never know who you will be in the morning.
You want to be alone but you don’t want to be lonely.
When you do make a connection, you attach yourself. You obsess because that is what you do.
No calls, no messages, no dates = rejection. It doesn’t matter the reason. You become overbearing, annoying. Bad enough that you push people away. Then you are alone.
How many people are standing on the bridges you burn?
Yearning for love, yet fearing the cost,
In a world where hope seems forever lost.
She longs to be held, to feel the embrace,
But doubts consume her, leaving no trace.
Unworthy, undeserving, she whispers in the night,
Lost in the darkness, searching for light.
Alone in her battles, she fights the tide,
A warrior strong, though broken inside.
No one tells you how the trauma makes a liar out of you.
That eventually everything that comes out of your mouth
is like the black ash smoke from a dying smoker’s exhale,
the only difference is, you are the only one who can see it.
Everyone else treats the rotting things that are falling from your lips
like they are sugar spun and soft, because people don’t want to see
something ugly when it is more efficient and less painful to see
something pretty in their heads.
Feeling as if I’m buried in the depths of hell,
My mood was great and then it fell.
Up and down it’s like a roller coaster ride,
Sometimes I think it would be easier if I died.
The constant aching within my soul,
Sinking deeper and deeper into a black hole.
Looking for a way to make my escape,
Only for darkness to surround in an invisible cape.
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Just because you can’t physically see,
The pain that’s always lurking inside of me.
It doesn’t make it less real,
Try one day in my shoes and see how you feel.
Although I take each day as they come,
It’s taken its toll and all I feel is numb.
I wish there was something I could do to stop this,
To be able to find inner peace would be bliss.
Maybe I won’t ever reach that place,
Of being able to let go and just embrace.
These are my thoughts whilst taking a drive,
That maybe there is no way out and I’m buried alive.
Words like “I’m okay” and “I’m better” because it’s pointless
to explain to someone who has never known what drowning
feels like that the ocean in your head is so deep and so dark
that a thousand versions of you have already drowned in it,
it’s where you go to bury your nightmares or are they your memories?
They blend together so well now you cannot tell where the line is anymore,
and even if you could, a part of you doesn’t really want to know which
terrible version of the many truths inside your head you really lived.
This is why the mirror in your room put you on edge so much,
that it lives under a cloth so you don’t have to look
at hollowed eyes that feel like someone’s cut from an old magazine
and stuck to your face, after taking your real eyes away by force.
And honestly, you can’t even remember when you last laughed
and I mean really laughed the kind that exposes how pretty your
soul is to the world, because ever since it happened, your soul
has gone into hiding, it won’t even say hello anymore.
Don’t tell me that you understand,
Don’t tell me that you know.
Don’t tell me that I will survive,
How I will surely grow.
Don’t tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.
Don’t come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don’t tell me how my grief will pass...
That I shall soon be free.
Don’t stand in pious judgment
Of the bonds I must untie.
Don’t tell me how to suffer,
And don’t tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness,
My pain is all I see,
But I need you, and I need your love...
Unconditionally.
The thing is, you’ve become so good at hiding
that your soul is currently missing with no sign
of ever coming back, that no one realizes
that there is a blank space and a question mark
where the person they loved used to be.
If you stay silent and still enough,
no one notices that you are a car crash waiting
to happen because no one is in the driver’s seat.
But in the stillness of her silent plea,
She finds a strength, a flicker, a key.
For even in darkness, a spark can ignite,
Guiding her through the endless night.
Mindfulness helps, to find some peace,
To calm the storm, and ease the squeeze.
With therapy, and medication too,
A brighter path, can come in view.
Accept me in my ups and downs,
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, “My friend, I care.”
So she rises, a phoenix from the flame,
Embracing her scars, she’s never the same.
For in her struggles, she finds her worth,
A testament to her resilience on Earth.
Though lonely she walks, she’s never alone,
For in her heart, a light has shone.
A beacon of hope in a world so cold,
A story of courage, waiting to be told.
Rainbows come, after the rain,
A new day dawns, to heal the pain.
Bipolar’s journey, may not be smooth,
But with support, one can still improve.
This disorder is a prison and
