The Notes of an Unfinished Man
As I sit here thinking about how to approach what I’d like to write about, I feel this profound shame in my chest. It feels as if everything is being pulled into a black hole that is nestled right under my sternum. While trying to unpack that feeling and understand it, I realize it comes from many different places. First, I realize this post might be self-serving in a sense, to make myself sound like a better man than I truly am. Secondly, I’m not sure exactly what I’m going to write about. Do I have an idea? Sure, a rough idea about how being an average guy in today’s culture of extremes is challenging. My journey to what I believe is a better man than I was. That the male loneliness epidemic is real but also not exclusive to males. Do I realize that if I don’t nail my points and articulate them in an intelligent way, I will come off as a pompous, privileged, pretentious, and chauvinistic asshole? Absolutely, it terrifies me honestly. The shame and fear burning in my chest as I write are screaming to stop so we are not perceived in that way. But this flame is one I must endure, as I seek a better understanding of myself and what work I’ve left unfinished.
We live in a society ruled by perception. You see evidence of this everywhere you look: political ads, social media, influencers, musicians, actors, among countless other examples. All under the guise of perception is reality, what I want you to see is the truth, and if anyone says otherwise, they’re lying to you. Take for example our current president: he gets on stage in a small town in whatever battleground state is on the schedule tonight and spouts nonsense, insults, and misinformation. Whatever remarks he makes towards whoever is today’s target become fact. Then, after the rally is over and the clips are blasted on social media and the 24-hour news cycle, supporters regurgitate these statements, spreading that perception like a virus.
Now, in my opinion, one of the worst symptoms this virus presents us with is the fact that creatures like Andrew Tate have a platform now to spew hateful, racist, and misogynistic ideology to the young men of the world. Tate and other streamers make up the “man-o-sphere,” where they all sell this idea to young men who feel disenfranchised, isolated, and lonely in society. Tate and his cohorts give these young men a so-called blueprint on how to be a man all while flaunting a lavish lifestyle filled with luxury cars, mansions, and models hanging on their arms. Some of their core tenets include being dominant, never showing any vulnerability, and treating relationships as transactions. It’s troubling to see how easy it is for a young man to fall victim to this line of thinking. To a young man who lacks direction and guidance, this rhetoric could easily feel like a how-to guide. They also argue that men can’t exist in today’s society as they prey on young men’s fear and anger. If you look at that statement through their legal troubles, that absolutely rings true. Many of them have been charged with domestic violence, sex trafficking, and many more crimes against women. So yes, society is saying that “men” like these shouldn’t exist, and I couldn’t agree more. For so long, shitty behavior of men has been excused time and time again. You’ll often hear “oh, boys will be boys” or “he’s just like that when he’s angry; he doesn’t mean it.” These phrases allow and reinforce these behaviors and actions without holding them accountable. Imagine having to navigate all of this as an 18-year-old boy who is figuring out how to become his own man.
If a young man falls victim to this line of fringe thinking, they are more likely to further withdraw themselves from society. They feel no one understands them and that they are on this self-righteous crusade. I see this happening across my generation as younger. It’s also exacerbated by social media and online culture. It’s ironic that the more connected we become, the further apart we truly are. Gone are the days of meeting your wife at the grocery store, or any trope from a Rom-com. We meet on apps, communicate through screens, and assign value to someone without meeting them first. It’s so easy to feel loneliness creep in when you come home from work and just try to find your daily dose of dopamine from an endless pile of TikTok videos spoon-fed to you by an algorithm. This algorithm is not designed to give you dopamine, but to prey on all of our biggest fears. The further down the rabbit hole you go, the more alone you feel. This isn’t just a male problem, though.
Some political pundits like to call this the “male loneliness epidemic.” It just seems like a buzzword to get a couple of clicks and a sharp headline to me. While yes, a lot of men are feeling this profound loneliness, everyone else is as well. Where the weakness lies is our antiquated look at mental health; it is still a taboo topic to far too many people. During my time in the army, I started going to therapy for the first time in my life. I was working through a rough breakup and the loss of a friend. When I’d return from my appointments, the looks and jokes I’d get from other service members made it very obvious that the stigma of seeking therapy made you weak and less of a man. That was devastating to process: how can I be doing something that is considered by some to be the pinnacle of manliness now be viewed as less than just for seeking help? Being looked at by leaders as a liability for trying to understand my emotions was the smallest I’ve ever felt.
. I was damn good at my job; I often taught people 2 — 3 ranks above me things. That didn’t matter to them anymore; I was now the weakest link. I’m so thankful I kept showing up to my appointments and fought for the help I deserved; I don’t know if I would be here writing this today if I didn’t. I write that last sentence with a lump in my throat.
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Jojo was one of my best friends when I got to Colorado. We were always together and always talking about everything, truly inseparable. One night, our conversation shifted from our usual sports debate or listing our top 10 hottest actresses into a therapy session. I listened to him vent his problems and frustrations intently because he was my brother and I loved him. I quickly realized I was out of my element. I naively suggested he make an appointment at behavioral health, blissfully unaware of the stigma I’d later be confronted with head-on. He said no out of fear of backlash from command. I accepted his answer, and we carried on with our night. I still feel today that conversation sealed his fate because less than a month later, he took his own life in his barracks room.
Now, Jojo’s story is not an anomaly; quite the opposite, actually. If you were to look across the world, you’d see many share a common theme. Not wanting to be perceived as a weak man. Now, in the last 20 years, people have become more aware of mental health. Which is an incredible thing that’s happening, but pardon my cynicism for a moment.
The statistic stating 22 veterans take their lives a day is plastered everywhere it can be. From social media trends, wristbands, T-shirts, bumper stickers; the list goes on forever. Seeing that number is shocking, as it should be, but is it helping? Rates are still rising across all branches of service and the country as a whole. Nothing will get better, in my opinion, till we lose the stigma and fear of being perceived as a lesser man for asking for help.
What does it even mean to be a man? I grapple with that question often. If you ask a million men, you’ll get a million different answers. Media has long spun the narrative that to be a “real man,” you have to be hypermasculine like Rambo or a suave ladies’ man like James Bond. If they made a checklist, I’d probably clear most of it with ease. I’m a veteran, underground miner, blue-collar, work a lot of overtime, etc. But those things don’t make me feel like a man. Sure, some people think it’s cool, and yeah, I can eat for free one day a year on Veterans Day (that is pretty cool, actually). Those things don’t define me in the slightest as a man, nor should they define anyone else. We are far too complex to let jobs and titles determine our worth. My values, ethics, morals, how I treat both loved ones and strangers — that’s what I want to be judged by when my time comes.
Let’s go back to perception again for a quick second and how learned stereotypes play into it. After reading my background as a vet, blue-collar, and underground miner, you probably have an idea of what I look like, how I act, all the way down to what music I listen to. You’d be wrong about most of that. I’m a proud cat dad of two (Sturgill and Pug), love me some abba and Chappell Roan along with a long list of different artists and genres. I’ve watched all the way through season 17 of Grey’s Anatomy. I’ve had multiple piercings and have regularly painted my nails in the past. The list goes on. Why do I bring this up? These don’t make me better than anybody; what they do is break the mold of the stereotype society puts people like me in. I relish in that, honestly. I love telling someone what I do or have done and then surprise them with knowledge on a topic they thought I’d know nothing about because of how they perceived me at first. There’s nothing abnormal about my likes, interests, and hobbies. I know plenty of men with shared interests. But you pair that with my background, and it’s clear I’m not a stereotypical blue-collar man. I shouldn’t have to prove this to people just so I can be seen as who I truly am versus what society tells you I am. Nobody needs to be an exception to a stereotype to be treated as an individual.
I say all of this to make the point that you don’t need to meet some checklist to be a man; all someone has to do is be comfortable with themselves enough to enjoy the things they love, be kind and empathetic towards both loved ones and strangers, and ensure you honor your word. I don’t have the answers, anywhere close to them actually. Just an abstract moron who is trying to figure out himself and the world around him. Making sure I stay open and receptive to new views and experiences. Im just trying find the beauty in being an unfinished man. We experience so many things that challenge our thoughts and beliefs every day. To think that you can ever become “finished” is foolish to me. Growing in oneself is such a uniquely beautiful human experience. To deny oneself the opportunity to grow for fear of hard work is a crime committed against yourself where you are the perpetrator.
As always, “be kind to yourself; your mind only knows what you tell it.”
