A Sacred Pause
Learning to surrender
I used to keep chasing the voices I heard that said, ‘You can’t do that.’ ‘Don’t do that.’ I often wonder if they were echoes of my childhood filled with deep uncertainty, where I constantly questioned whether I was doing the right thing or whether my parents or the adults around me were pleased.
"Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands resistance.” Steven Pressfield
As I grew, there was another part that whispered and said, “Come on, we can do this," or “You’re going to do this.” I realised then the problem lay in the core of trust. I guess that led me to feel petrified. But a desire burned within me, not wanting me to stand motionless. I knew I carried a map with so many paths untrodden.
Well into adulthood, I felt the urge to please my parents, to make my choices with their expectations in mind, which made me crave the same validation I did as a child.
Looking back today, I know society and its architecture played a defining role in shaping the family system. We were conditioned to fit into a world that held us captive for a long time. We played roles that discouraged vulnerability and authenticity, leading to an estrangement from the very core of our being.
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As I grew, I felt the urge to surrender to change, sculpt my life, pause, and trust the past to kindle the torchlight for a new path. I wanted to change the path ahead and see myself come to bloom, unfold endlessly, and create a different future.
None of this happened in a bad sense. In fact, it forged a deep sense of resilience, my cornerstone for growth. This guided me through every challenge—a continuous investigation of my desires and fulfilment that magnified my life in profound ways.
I try to keep turning over the soil of my personhood to reveal new expressions of the soul and unfold, with longing for meaning.
“A self that goes on changing is a self that goes on living.” Virginia Woolf
Now at seventy-three, my gut instinct—or is it the voice of my conscience? —tells me exactly when I should push or relax. It reassures me that I have followed the route laid out for me, with a few detours.
I am learning to surrender and enjoy the open spaces ahead. A freedom, as I discover the truth of my 'being,' that feels like a sacred pause.
XOXO
