I never had the good fortune to meet anyone named Ethel. It seemed like the kind of name you’d hear in one of those old black-and-white movies from the nineteen forties. Who knew there were still Ethel’s running around?

When my wife Sandy told me her best friend from her University days was coming to visit, I had mixed emotions. I loved our house and being with my wife; guests always seemed to screw up our routines. I asked how long her friend would be staying. She smiled ‘’E’’ is a busy Executive; she created her own soda company. It has a really cool angle to it; her pop cans feature an interactive technology that does a body scan and immediately tells you which flavours will add protein that match your enzymes. It’s a proprietary technology. It’s so unbelievably cool. She’s about to sell the company for astronomical numbers.’’ I nodded ‘’That’s great, honey, two questions: Is her name really E, and how long is she planning to stay?’’

Sandy was a woman who was constantly in motion. It was one of the reasons our house was always immaculate. ‘’E’’ stands for Ethel. She never really liked her name, so at the Sorority we all just called her ‘’E’’ and it stuck. She’s coming for a high-tech conference called ‘’Collision.’’ It ends on Thursday. She’s staying at the Bisha Hotel in Downtown Toronto. Before she goes back to Silicon Valley, she’s decided to come visit for a couple of nights. It’s going to be great to be able to hang out. It’ll be fun. E is a riot.’’

I wondered if ‘’E’’ would be a Quiet Riot. I also kept thinking that the last image I had of an Ethel was the one who hung out with Moose in the Archie comic books.

On Friday morning, at 9:30 am a large black Cadillac Escalade pulled into our driveway. A guy hopped out of the driver’s seat and opened the back door. A very elegant-looking woman stepped out, and I was shocked. She was absolutely gorgeous. She saw Sandy, and they hugged. I walked over, and she hugged me as well. Her perfume was exquisite. ‘’So Sandy Suburbia, this is what your house looks like, and this is your husband. It’s so great to be here. We have so much to catch up on!’’

The Driver brought the luggage to the door. In a British accent, he asked me if I wanted him to bring the bags in. I told him I could handle it and he stood there looking at me. It was at the point that I clued in that I needed to tip him. I looked in my wallet and had no cash. It was embarrassing. Before I could say anything ‘’E’’ and Sandy reappeared. Thank you for your service. Your tip will be on the final bill after you pick me up on Sunday afternoon. My flight to San Francisco is Sunday Night.’’ The guy who was wearing a driver’s cap (old-fashioned but kind of cool) nodded, looked at me, and headed back to his vehicle and drove off.

‘’Alan, I suggested to E that we go to the Oshawa Shopping Centre and then I thought I’d take her to Teddy’s for lunch. Do you want to join us?’’ I loved Teddy’s, and it was a tempting offer, but I was behind on submitting plans for a new subdivision, so I thanked her for the offer and explained I was heading to the office for a few hours.’’ E smiled, ‘’Well, at least we’ll have your company for dinner.’’ I smiled I’ll take your bags to the guest room, and I’ll look forward to seeing you later.’’ Sandy gave me a kiss on the lips, and E gave me another strong hug.

After Sandy took off with her friend, I shlepped the bags up the stairs and placed them in the guest bedroom. I left for the office, and within twenty minutes I was busy.

The phone rang at five o’clock, and it was Sandy. She asked me to pick up some wine on the way home, which I was very happy to do. I also stopped at O’Reilly’s Florists and Gifts and picked up a bouquet of mixed colourful Hydrangeas.

When I walked into the house, the smell of cooking was incredible. I was greeted by E, who seemed genuinely happy to see me and who took the flowers from me. ‘’San, you have an Amazing husband. These flowers are beautiful.’’ Sandy was wearing a cute apron that read My Husband loves me, but my dog adores me, especially when I feed him’’ The funny part was we didn’t have a dog. She was carrying a tray and heading back to the kitchen. ‘’Honey, can you pour a glass of wine for E?, Dinner is still an hour away, and I’m just getting the appetizers ready,’’ I said it would be my pleasure, and E and I headed over to the Dining room, where I had my wine bar. ‘’E, what kind of wine can I get for you?’ She giggled ‘’Well, I would like a ‘Premonition’ Cabernet Sauvignon, but I’m happy with anything.’’ I looked at my wine cabinet and pulled out Mission Hill Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon 2007. I poured a glass for E and a glass for Sandy. I ran a glass to my wife and, for my trouble, I received another very nice kiss. I returned to pour myself a drink and to join E, who was looking at the beautiful red colour in her glass as she was swirling the wine around.

‘’How was your day, Alan?’’ I exhaled ‘’I was able to get a lot done. I enjoy working from home, but I had to go and meet with people. It’s amazing how easy it is to isolate from the world, but sometimes you have no choice the office beckons.’’ E giggled. ‘’I know what you mean. I find I do some of my best work when I’m by myself.’’ Alan watched E stretch her long legs out. ‘’California is such a different scene. I live in Palo Alto, and sometimes the only people I talk to are fellow techies. It’s crazy. You want to run and find someone ‘’normal’’ to hang out with. The High Tech biz is so incestuous. Everybody knows everybody.’’ Alan took a sip of his wine. ‘’How did you like the Oshawa Shopping Centre and Teddy’s?’’ E laughed ‘’It was incredibly normal. I loved the anonymity of being able to shop without someone pitching me their latest blockchain idea. Teddy’s sandwiches were humongous and delicious, and their coconut cream pie was the dream. I’m going to have to hit the gym hard when I get back.’’ E looked over and licked her lips. ‘’I crave a no-pressure existence. The last few years have been high tension.’’

I believed everything E was saying. To create something different was not easy, and to have people respond to it in a positive way was a huge accomplishment. She looked at me with a very serious look. ‘’I’m envious of Sandy. She was always so lovely in University, decent and real. Now she’s got a loving husband and a life of contentment. I’d do anything to be with a guy who loved me for me and wasn’t thinking about the financial benefits. She did it right; she found a productive, handsome, intelligent husband. I hope she always appreciates you, or some woman might come along and try and steal you away. You know, whisk you on a private jet to hang out on the beach in St. Barts or Thailand. Simon Cowell met and fell in love with one of his Best friends wives, and they are very happy, so it does happen. I was surprised; I didn’t know I was so desirable. I’d have to tell Sandy that when we went to bed.’’

E leaned forward. ‘’You seem to be very happy in your marriage. Am I right?’’ I was just about to answer that I couldn’t be happier when Sandy walked into the dining room. She had a tray with puff pastries and fruit kebabs. ‘’I hope you enjoy these; we’ll be having dinner in about an hour.’’

I asked my wife to take five and join us. She sat down and looked at E. ‘’So what happened with you and Brian Laughlin?’ E, for some reason, stole a glance over at me. ‘’Brian got his degree in Commerce and went to work at a bank. We just didn’t have as much in common as we thought we did. When he stopped playing football and became just a regular kind of guy, the excitement faded away. I thought we’d stay friends, but we went in different directions. I think he got married, but I honestly don’t know/’’

Sandy seemed surprised ‘’You dated him all through University; I was sure you two were going to be married and have a family.’’ E shook her head.’’Naw, I need a guy who thinks big and is able to get things done. Kind of like your Alan.’’ Again, I was surprised by the way she talked about me. Sandy looked puzzled. ‘’Yeah, I hit the big one when Alan and I met. Life has been very good.’’

There was a bit of a pause, and I suggested refills on the drinks. Instead E shook her head. ‘’Would you mind if I went upstairs and freshened up? I have a couple of calls to make before dinner.’’ We both told her it was a good idea, and we stood up. ‘’See you at six thirty’’ and we headed in different directions. Sandy grabbed my arm. ‘’I don’t know why I’m feeling this, but E seems to be interested in you.’’ I laughed ‘’Too little, too late; I’m a taken man.’’ We kissed, and I thought that was the end of it.

When E came down for dinner, she had changed into a pair of tight black leggings and a white shirt. She looked outstanding.

After a delicious Shabbos dinner with Chicken soup, Potato Kugel, Chicken Breasts marinated in a Honey Glaze, Peas and Carrots and an Apple Cake for dessert, we headed into the living room to watch a movie. E had a friend who had produced a film about a bunch of friends who had reunited after years, and passions exploded between a couple of them. It was a crappy movie. When it was over E giggled ‘’I invested in that movie and made some money on it. Sex really does sell, and it’s an old storyline. People find themselves wanting each other and voila at some point they can’t contain their feelings. You never know what’s going to work when it comes to movies. I have a friend who made a fortune investing in 50 Shades of Grey. ‘’

Sandy smiled ‘’I haven’t seen that movie yet. I know some of my friends read the book, and they really enjoyed it. Uh, E, what time would you like to get up in the morning?’’ E hesitated ‘’I usually get up around six thirty, but maybe I could sleep in till about eight. Does that work?’’ Sandy told her that would be perfect, and we’d head out for breakfast at nine. The plan was to take her to our cottage in Minden, Ontario, which was an hour and a half drive into Northern Ontario. The landscape would be beautiful. We’d stay in Minden over night and come back to Ajax on Sunday morning.

E had a huge smile on her face. ’That will be so fun, I brought some really cute cottage clothes. I’m glad you mentioned the possibility of going North the last time we talked. I wouldn’t have had anything rustic to wear. Just before I got on the plane to Toronto, I cleared out Abercrombie & Fitch.’’

At 9:30 pm, everyone headed up to their respective bedrooms. As we laid in bed together, Sandy looked over ‘’I’m glad E is visiting. It brings back a lot of great memories, but I am surprised she and Brian broke up. They were inseparable. He was the second-string quarterback for the University of Georgia; that was a big deal.I guess young love doesn’t always translate to long love.’’ I looked at my wife. She was perfect.. She had all the intangibles; I was probably the luckiest man on the planet. I wanted to make love, but Sandy was concerned that E would hear us. ‘’Honey, let’s just canoodle. I promise a rain check when it’s just the two of us.’’ I accepted the offer, and we headed off to sleep.

The next morning we stopped at a Tim Horton’s on the way to Minden for breakfast and E was delighted. She raved about the coffee and enjoyed her bagel and cream cheese. When we arrived at the cottage, she was shocked. It was more like a Chalet. I wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but it stunned her. ‘’I was thinking you had some kind of modest little place, I didn’t think it would be this grandiose. Sandy, it’s beautiful up here. I Love it!’’

After settling in, Sandy and E went for a canoe ride on the lake. When they returned, E was beyond enthusiastic. ‘’With your low Canadian dollar, I think I want to buy one of the cottages up here. They’re amazing. This is so beautiful.’’

It was decided to grab the Jet Boat and head into Haliburton, a bigger town that had all kinds of restaurants. It was five lakes away from the cottage but the boat ride was smooth and we made it there in no time. E’s mouth hung open as we passed all kinds of gorgeous cottages.

Sandy wanted to go into Steadman’s Department store, so I waited as she, and E went in to look around. Sandy loved to find bargains. E came out first and grabbed my hand. ‘’Oh Alan, this is such a relaxing and great escape. I could see us being up here together. I could also see us in St. Barts. She was squeezing my fingers. I shook my head ‘’Yeah, Sandy would love it.’’ E pulled at my hand, lowering my head. ‘’Sandy is wonderful, but I sense something is happening between us.’’ I responded immediately ‘’There is, Sandy thinks the world of you.’’ E furrowed her brow and whispered ‘’i feel a chemistry between you and me.’’ Before I could answer, Sandy came out of the store carrying a cute new cap. She handed one to E, it read ‘’Cottage Queen’’ She smiled ‘’E this is for you, a memento from this trip.’’

We ate at a Fish and Chips restaurant called ‘’Hook Line & Sinker and the food was excellent. I kept trying to digest what E had said to me. Was I being naive? Had she basically propositioned her friend’s husband? If that’s what it was, I wasn’t the slightest bit interested; she had the wrong guy.

The boat ride back to Minden was smooth and the sun was blasting down. No matter when we went to the cottage, the lakes never seemed that busy. It was a real gift. E loved it. ‘’San, I find this cottage scene so relaxing. It is so wonderful to get away and have time to just relax. How many years has it been since we saw each other?’’ Sandy took a few minutes thinking about it. ‘’I can’t believe it, it has been nine years. Wow, time has moved fast.’’ E nodded. ‘’You know I’m thinking of getting a Villa in Florence, Italy after I sell my company. Maybe you and Alan will come visit.’’ Sandy nodded enthusiatically. ‘’That sounds like a dream.’’

When we stepped off the dock and headed up to the cottage it was only 2:30 pm. I looked at the women ‘’I’ve got to park the boat in the boathouse. I’ll be up in a minute.’’ Sandy and E walked away. I went to the boat and slowly maneuvered it in. As I was tying knots to secure the boat, I looked up and saw E standing staring at me. She walked over. ‘’Sandy said she’s going to prepare cold drinks. I said I wanted to watch you park the boat, if you can believe it, I’ve never seen anyone do that before. There’s also another reason I wanted to come down here.’’ I was confused. What was the big deal about tying up a boat. She stepped forward and whispered ‘’I really need you to kiss me. Just one kiss. I want to feel your lips against mine.’’

I was completely shocked beyond belief. Here was this incredibly gorgeous woman who would soon be beyond wealthy wanting to kiss me. It was a tempting offer, but no way. I looked at E and shook my head. ‘’Thank You for the kind words, but I’m a married man who would never do anything to hurt my wife. I love her with my heart and soul and as beautiful as you are and as tempted as I am, I would never cross the line, and even kissing you would be out of bounds and would kill Sandy. Why don’t we just be really good platonic friends and forget about the physical stuff.’’ E looked at me with an intensity I wasn’t used to. ‘’You’re a Good guy. Most men would have jumped at the offer, Respect!.’’

We walked back up to the cottage and I thought about how easy it would be to fall into an affair. I was also aware I had the most incredible wife ever, and I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship.

We played cards (gin rummy) drank more wine and some Cognac and as always Sandy was putting out snacks. We had a great Barbeque for dinner. I made steaks and baked potatoes. After dinner we all hopped in the Hot Tub, (E kept a respectable distance) and at around nine o’clock, we went to our bedrooms.

Since the incident at the boathouse, things seemed more relaxed and calmer. I felt more comfortable around E and I could only attribute it to her knowing that I had zero interest in cheating on the love of my life.

The next morning, we cleaned up and Sandy made her famous pancakes, which we ate outside on our deck over looking the lake. It was perfect. We enjoyed fresh squeezed Orange juice and coffee (Magical Minden) that E described as among the Best she ever tasted.

It was another beautiful day and the drive home was extremely easy and fun. The woman shared stories of parties they attended during University and some of the bizarre scenes they experienced. They also shared that Spring Break in Ft. Lauderdale was the wildest time they had ever experienced I thought it was wonderful to hear their laughter.

When we got back to the house, Sandy insisted on making bagels and cream cheese with lox for lunch.

At three O’Clock the doorbell sounded and the British guy was back to take E to the airport. There was a lot of hugging and promises to keep in touch as we escorted our guest to the waiting SUV. The driver put E’s luggage in the trunk and with one final wave, we watched as the SUV took off and it was soon out of sight.

We closed the door and Sandy just stood there looking at me. It was a different kind of look, one that I wasn’t used to getting from her. ‘’I’m so proud of you. You’re about to cash in on your love making rain check. I am so thankful I’m your wife.’’

I was somewhat perplexed and she could read my face. ‘’I know E. She really liked you and I bet she made a pass at you, but you are my solid guy. The love you showed me all weekend, was the same love you show me all the time and I wasn’t the slightest bit worried. I noticed things had changed when we were in the hot tub and she didn’t make any kind of propositions. Anyways, it was Great to see her, but I’m in no rush to get together with her again for a very long time.’’ I didn’t say a word but I smiled. I wondered if Sandy would feel the same way if E invited her to a beach in St. Barts.

.

Me and E and My Wife was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I have been preparing so much to share:
Songs, quotes, and a little more love.
All the sunny months before you were as cruel as a sudden storm,
But I crave the thunder that comes with you,
And the rain that harmonizes into a perfect tune.
I smile wide and wink at the lightning in the darkest night;
All of this is so warm to my heart.
Please, November…
Be the last month I spend only dreaming of him.
I want him to step out of my mind and become real.
He deserves to see how lucky he is to have me — 
Very soft, very special, and a little bit of poetry.
The quotes I saved for him looked dark and gray,
But his eyes will turn the dust into fresh words if he only reads.
I will leak some photos from my imagination:
He bought me a yellow dress to dance with him.
We ate and laughed until we found ourselves home,
My yellow dress lying on the ground next to his shirt — 
A messy sight, but it speaks of love.
Morning in November, a rainy day.
I am asleep in his arms; it seems like a perfect day to be off.
I feel over the moon to finally tell life what I want,
Because it is so lonely here.
I’m sending this envelope of dreams to the sky on the first of November,
To set it free from the cage of wishes inside my mind.
To become true. To become real.
To live it in the November of next year.
Amen.

Sweet November was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

I thought we were building a future. She was just waiting for my salary.*

I was staring at her WhatsApp. Last seen 9:47 PM. Online. Typing... then stopped. No reply.

Three days before, I had told her I lost my job.

She said, "Don't worry baby, we will figure it out."

That one word — "we" — kept me alive for 48 hours.

We met in January at a friend's birthday. She was wearing a yellow gown. She laughed loudly, she didn't form. I liked that. We exchanged numbers and that night she texted me first: "You are quiet but I like your energy."

From there, everything moved fast. Morning texts. Night calls. She would call me by 10pm every day: "Ishow, how was work? Have you eaten?"

I am not a rich guy. My salary was 120k. But I was consistent. I sent her 5k, 10k when I could. Not because she asked, but because I wanted to show I care.

In March, she said, "My friends said you are serious, not like Lagos boys." I took that as a compliment. I started saving. I told my mother about her. My mother said, "Bring her home."

I deleted all other girls. I stopped talking to my ex. I was all in.

Then August 5th happened.

My boss called me into the office. "Ishow, we are cutting 20% of staff. Your last pay will be this month. I'm sorry."

I walked out of that office and my legs were shaking. I sat in a bus for 30 minutes without knowing where I was going.

The first person I called was her.

"Baby, I lost my job today."

There was silence. 5 seconds. Then, "Ehya, pele. Sorry. It will be fine."

That night she still called. But she didn't say "we" again.

Day 2, I texted her good morning, she replied by 2pm: "Morning, busy day."

Day 3, I asked, "Can we see on Saturday to talk about next steps? I have some plans."

She said, "This weekend is busy, my cousin is around."

Day 5, my messages started going to one tick. Delivered, but not read for hours.

Day 7, I was scrolling Instagram to distract myself. Her close friend posted a story. Birthday dinner. Loud music. And there she was. Wearing that same yellow gown. A guy's hand was around her waist. She was laughing. The same laugh she used to give me.

I didn't comment. I didn't call. I just watched it three times and dropped my phone on the bed.

For the next two weeks, I became a ghost. I didn't go out. I didn't eat well. I kept replaying everything. Was I foolish? Did she ever love me?

On the 14th day, my younger brother came to my room. He said, "Bro, she didn't leave because you lost your job. She left because that was the only reason she was there."

That one sentence reset my brain.

He was right.

She didn't love me. She loved the stability. The 120k. The "he has a job, he is responsible." When the job went, I became a risk. And she doesn't do risk.

Here is what healing taught me in 5 months:

*1. Love is not tested in good times.*
Anyone can love you when you are buying lunch. Real love shows when you can't buy anything.

*2. Never build your future around someone who hasn't seen your lowest.*
I introduced her to my mother before she saw me broke. That was my mistake.

*3. A woman who loves you will give you pressure, not space.*
If she loves you, when you lose your job she will say, "So what is the plan? Send your CV to me, let me help." Not "I need space."

*4. You didn’t not lose a girlfriend. You lost an illusion.*
And losing an illusion is not heartbreak. It’s clarity.

Today I have a new job. 90k, less than before. But I am at peace. I don't hate her. If I see her tomorrow, I will greet her.

She saved me. She showed me early, before marriage, before house rent, before children, who she was.

If you are reading this and someone left you when money finished, when you got sick, when your business failed — my brother, my sister, you didn't lose.

You were saved.

Have you ever loved someone who only loved your good season?

She Said She Loved Me Until I Lost My Job* was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“What time is the dentist appointment?”

“Did you sign the school form?”

“We need milk.”

“Can you pick up the prescription?”

“Who is taking Emma to soccer on Saturday?”

These are perfectly reasonable questions. Couples need to coordinate their responsibilities, make decisions, and keep their shared lives moving. A household does not run entirely on romance — occasionally, someone really does need to buy toilet paper.

But when nearly every conversation is about tasks, children, appointments, money, and schedules, something important can quietly disappear.

The couple stops talking about themselves.

They continue communicating, but they no longer feel connected. They exchange information without sharing much of their inner lives. They know what their spouse is doing tomorrow but not what their spouse has been thinking about today.

This change is rarely intentional. Two people do not wake up one morning and decide, “From now on, let’s communicate exclusively like efficient coworkers.”

It happens gradually.

Life becomes busy. The children need attention. Work is demanding. Aging parents require help. Meals need to be prepared, bills need to be paid, and something in the house is always making a noise it did not make yesterday.

The couple adapts by becoming practical.

That practicality helps them accomplish a great deal. Yet over time, one or both partners may begin to feel lonely — even while sitting beside each other.

When Communication Becomes Coordination

Imagine an ordinary couple, Michael and Tasha.

After dinner, they spend ten minutes reviewing the next day.

Tasha reminds Michael that their son needs to bring his musical instrument to school. Michael explains that he has an early meeting and cannot handle the morning drop-off. They discuss a bill, a grocery order, and who will call the plumber.

Then Michael turns on the television. Tasha looks at her phone.

Nothing is obviously wrong. They have not argued. In fact, they have cooperated quite well.

Still, Tasha feels a vague sadness. She cannot remember the last time Michael asked what she had been thinking about or looking forward to. Michael, meanwhile, feels as though every conversation contains another problem he is expected to solve. He misses the lighter, more personal exchanges they once enjoyed, but he does not know how to restart them.

Both are experiencing the distance. Neither is trying to create it.

Tasha interprets Michael’s quietness as a lack of interest. Michael interprets Tasha’s practical questions as evidence that she wants help rather than conversation. Each withdraws a little, and the communication becomes even more functional.

They have become excellent managers of a life they are no longer taking enough time to share.

The Hidden Cost of Practical-Only Conversations

Task-focused communication is necessary. The problem arises when it crowds out every other kind of conversation.

Partners may begin to feel valued mainly for what they do:

Did you take care of that?

Did you remember this?

Can you handle one more thing?

A person wants to be appreciated as a parent, provider, organizer, cook, driver, fixer, or planner. But a spouse also wants to be known as a person — with fears, hopes, opinions, memories, disappointments, and dreams.

When those parts of each person are rarely expressed, a couple can begin to feel less emotionally familiar. They may still love one another deeply, yet feel they have little to talk about.

Then comes the familiar question: “How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“What did you do?”

“The usual.”

And with that breathtaking exchange of emotional depth, the conversation is complete.

The answer “fine” does not necessarily mean that nothing meaningful happened. It may mean the question is too broad, the timing is poor, or both partners have fallen out of the habit of talking personally.

Fortunately, couples can rebuild that habit. One helpful way is through what I call the 20-minute Magical Conversation.

What Is the Magical Conversation?

The Magical Conversation is a planned period of Caring and Sharing between partners.

For about 20 minutes, the couple temporarily sets aside household business and talks about their inner lives. One spouse shares something personal while the other listens with attentive, compassionate interest. Then they change roles.

The “magic” is not in finding perfect words. It comes from giving each other something that has become scarce: undivided attention.

During this conversation, you are not discussing who will empty the dishwasher, whether the children finished their homework, or how much the car repair will cost. Those subjects matter, but they belong in a different conversation.

The Magical Conversation answers deeper questions:

What is happening inside the person I love?

What has been affecting my spouse emotionally?

What is my partner hoping for, worrying about, enjoying, or trying to understand?

This is a Loving Moment because the interaction may be experienced and felt as love. Listening says, “You matter to me. I want to know you — not only what you accomplished today.”

How to Begin

Choose a realistic time when you are unlikely to be interrupted. You might sit together after dinner, take a walk, or have the conversation over coffee on a weekend morning.

Do not spring it on your spouse at the exact moment they are exhausted or rushing to finish something. Offer a warm, specific invitation:

“I miss talking about things other than responsibilities. Would you be willing to sit with me for about 20 minutes tonight — not to solve any problems, but just to catch up with each other?”

If 20 minutes sounds like too much initially, begin with ten. The exact number matters less than the quality of attention. This is a connection practice, not an endurance event.

Put phones aside if possible. Turn off the television. Let the children know you need a short period without interruption, if their ages make that practical.

Then decide who will share first.

One Partner Shares

The first person has approximately half the time to talk about something personally meaningful.

You do not need to reveal your deepest secret or arrive with a prepared speech. You might talk about:

• Something that has been weighing on your mind
• An experience that affected you emotionally
• Something you are anticipating or dreading
• A hope you have for the coming months
• A memory that recently returned to you
• Something you are learning about yourself
• A moment from the week that made you happy

If you need help getting started, try one of these questions:

“What has been taking up the most space in your mind lately?”

“What part of this week affected you the most?”

“Is there anything you have been feeling but haven’t had a chance to talk about?”

“What are you looking forward to right now?”

“What is something you wish I understood about your experience lately?”

Michael might say, “I’ve been more anxious about work than I’ve let on. Our department may be reorganized, and I’m not sure what it will mean for me.”

Tasha might later share, “I’ve been thinking about how quickly the children are growing. I’m proud of them, but I also feel sad about how fast this stage is passing.”

Neither subject is a task to assign. Each is an opportunity to know a spouse more deeply.

The Other Partner Listens

The listener’s role is not to fix, debate, investigate, or redirect the conversation toward their own experience.

The listener offers attention.

Look at your spouse when it feels natural. Try not to interrupt. Ask gentle follow-up questions and reflect what you believe you heard.

You might say:

“That uncertainty sounds stressful.”

“I can understand why that stayed with you.”

“What concerns you most about it?”

“What was that experience like for you?”

“Tell me more.”

If your spouse describes a problem, resist rushing to solve it. Advice can be useful, but premature advice may unintentionally communicate, “Let’s finish with these feelings and get to the solution.”

Instead, ask:

“Would you like me to listen, or would you like help thinking through what to do?”

That simple question can prevent many well-intended conversations from going off the rails.

Attentive listening does not require you to agree with every interpretation. It asks you to understand your spouse’s experience before offering your own viewpoint.

Then Change Roles

After roughly ten minutes, switch.

The person who listened now has time to share, and the person who spoke becomes the attentive listener.

This balance matters. The Magical Conversation is not meant to become one partner’s regular monologue while the other serves as the audience. Both inner lives deserve room.

If one partner needs more time because something important has surfaced, you can agree to continue. But avoid keeping score down to the second. You are spouses, not opposing attorneys dividing courtroom time.

End by thanking each other.

You might say:

“I’m glad you told me that.”

“I feel closer to you after hearing what has been happening.”

“Thank you for listening without trying to fix it.”

That appreciation helps both partners experience the conversation as a positive interaction rather than another marital obligation.

Protect the Conversation From Common Detours

At first, task-related subjects may sneak back in.

One spouse says, “I’ve been overwhelmed lately,” and the other responds, “That reminds me — we still need to reorganize the garage.”

Gently return to the personal experience:

“Before we talk about the garage, I’d like to understand what has felt overwhelming.”

Another detour occurs when a vulnerable statement turns into criticism:

“I feel lonely because you never pay attention to me.”

The feeling deserves care, but “you never” may trigger defensiveness. A gentler version might be:

“I’ve been feeling lonely lately. I miss having conversations when we give each other our full attention.”

Specific, personal language makes it easier for a spouse to listen.

Finally, do not grade the conversation while it is happening. Your first attempt may feel slightly awkward. That does not mean it failed. New patterns often feel less natural than old ones simply because they are new.

Twenty Minutes Can Restore Something Important

The Magical Conversation will not eliminate your responsibilities. Afterward, the lunches may still need packing, the calendar may still need checking, and the mysterious household noise may still require investigation.

But for 20 minutes, you will have related as two people who chose each other — not merely as co-managers of a demanding life.

You will have made room for Caring and Sharing.

You will have communicated, “I am interested in who you are, what you feel, and how life is affecting you.”

Couples need practical conversations. They also need personal ones. A healthy shared life has room for both.

So, continue discussing the appointments, the children, and the schedules. Then protect a little time to discuss the two people holding that complicated schedule together.

Tonight, you might begin with one question:

“What has been on your mind that we haven’t had time to talk about?”

Then listen — not because you need to fix the answer, but because the person answering matters to you.

If this was helpful, I go deeper in my new book, “Loving Moments Model of Marriage”, available on Amazon.

For Couples, What to Do to Have Magical Conversations With Your Partner was originally published in Hello, Love on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.