Member-only story
FUNNY FICTION FILES
The Union of Santa’s Elves
Labor relations are complicated
Good evening, everyone. My name is Serevin Auralis, but a lot of you know me as Sam. Whatever. I’m not fussy.
I’m sorry there aren’t more of you here tonight, but ten elves are better than none. I brought donuts and coffee for a hundred, so if any of you want to take some refreshments home, go ahead. We have to clean up this hall after the meeting; we can’t eat all those donuts, and Dunkin won’t take them back. So take them home.
As you all know, we are here to discuss forming a union. We call ourselves the Consolidated Order of Christmas Elves. So far, we don’t have an umbrella organization, but the United Auto Workers has expressed a willingness to take us on. After all, we are essentially assembly-line workers, even if we don’t have an assembly line. We still work damned hard and are expected to produce.
We think it’s about time we formed a union. We demand a 35-hour work week, 2 weeks’ vacation each year, generous sick leave and maternity leave, and a generous Christmas bonus.
Yes? You raised your hand?
What’s that you say? Santa already gives us all that, plus a cost-of-living raise every year? Well, it’s obvious he’s trying to avoid having us form a union…
