Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends in Your 20s
Growing up, I was always a little shy in social settings. I never felt confident enough to talk in front of a crowd of people and crack a joke in an attempt to make them laugh. However, I did have close-knit friends. Time to time, I still think about my first best friend from Kindergarten, and I wish we had never grown apart — her home was my second home. I would always go over, we’d build pillow forts and watch Brat movies in her basement. I hope she’s doing well today.
Looking back, my early childhood friendships were so innocent compared to my middle and high school years — boy, those were some hard years. My “friends” included backstabbers and girls who wanted to clone everything I did. That awkward adolescent stage in life for everyone felt like the end of the world. My friend dated my crush behind my back, actually, this happened twice. Someone I thought was my friend posted hateful content towards me on social media. Yes. That all actually happened to me, and worse. By my senior year of high school, I could count all my friends on one hand. Nonetheless, the friends I could count on, I wouldn’t trade for the entire world. I learned from the chaos of high school friendships to never trust a girl who is boy-obsessed, as it almost always ends in flames.
Flash forward to 18-year-old me on my way to the University of Illinois at Chicago to move in for my freshman year. Everyone from high school went to big state schools. I chose UIC because I wanted to live in Chicago to be with my older sister, Bella. To be transparent, I was terrified of starting college. I knew no one. I attempted to contact other UIC students on Instagram, but it was just endless ghosting. It just made me feel more isolated before classes even began. I eventually gave up and decided to let the university pick my roommate for me.
Within the first week of being on campus, I instantly made friends. Great ones. As I am closing out my undergrad years, I have lost some. There’s no bad blood or insane boyfriend-stealing drama compared to high school. I noticed a certain lifestyle, popular in college, that didn’t align with me or my goals. When I stopped partying every chance I had, it turned out that no one wanted to be around me anymore.
That had opened my eyes to the phenomenon of ‘party friends’ — people you strictly only hang out with when you want to party. A connection of someone who knows someone who can get a VIP table at TAO. Whenever I tried to deepen the friendship, they either ignored me completely or hit me with, ‘Hey girl, sorry I’m busy,’ only to post about their three-day bender on Snapchat. After I move on with the little hope I have left, the next person says to me,
“You don’t have a fake ID? What are we supposed to do then?”.
It’s an endless cycle of attempting to meet people, but they just don’t have the same priorities as me. And that’s okay. Not everyone is on the same wavelength. However, at the end of the day, I am who I hang out with.
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Don’t get me wrong, I have friends. I’m friends with the strongest women I know. The problem is distance. When I left home, I knew there would be a disconnect between them and me. At one point, we all lived across the country from each other. One friend in California, a couple in Florida, another one in Wisconsin, and a few left in our hometown. Then there’s me, in the Midwest’s largest city.
After four months of living independently in Chicago at just twenty-one years old, I find myself spending my Friday nights going to Trader Joe's for their chili lime rolled tortilla chips. The remainder of the evening is spent binge-watching Modern Family, laughing alone in my compact studio apartment.
Life is not necessarily dull; however, I have the impression that I am missing out on the experiences typical for people at this stage of life. But what if I were never born to fit in, and that’s not a flaw — it’s just my journey. After all, a boring life is a peaceful life. I enjoy how I spend my days. Sometimes I think of the drama that would occur with a big friend group and let out a sigh of relief.
In the meantime, I’ll stick to going to campus, the gym, church, and my sister’s to order takeout from whatever Uber Eats deals we have. I still worry somewhat about my social life, but I’m deeply grateful for the genuine, unbreakable friendships I do have. At the end of the day, I would rather have one loyal friendship over a huge group of people who pretend to care about one another.
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