Relationships We Force Ourselves to Maintain Aren’t Always True “Bonds”
You Might Be Sticking Around Not Out of “Affection,” But Because of “Sunk Costs”
Hi there, I’m Miwa Inagaki.
Out of the blue, let me ask you: isn’t there someone in your life who, the very moment their face pops into your mind, makes your stomach twist into a heavy knot?
The moment your LINE notification lights up, you get this sudden urge to flip your phone face down, thinking, “Ugh, is it them again…?” After hanging out with them, you’re drained to the bone, and the second you get home, you collapse straight onto the couch. Yet for some reason, the option of “cutting ties” with that person never even crosses your mind.
“After all, we’ve known each other for over ten years.”
“There was that time they helped me out, too.”
“What kind of person am I if I just abandon a relationship? People will judge me.”
…I totally get it. I was exactly the same way for the longest time.
Even so, let me ask you just one thing today.
Is that reason you “can’t walk away” actually “affection”?
You know, I realized something at one point. It wasn’t affection at all — it was just the “sunk cost fallacy.”
Today, I want to talk about how I, as a single mother, learned how to ruthlessly “cut my losses” in human relationships.
Your Inability to Leave Might Just Be a Glitch in Your Brain
First, let me share something rather fascinating.
In psychology, there’s a concept called the “sunk cost effect.”
As clarified in a classic study by Arkes & Blumer (1985), the larger the investment of time, money, and effort people have already made, the more they feel it would be “a waste,” trapping them into continuing even a disadvantageous choice.
(Reference: Arkes, H. R. & Blumer, C. “The Psychology of Sunk Cost,” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 1985. https://doi.org/10.1016/0749-5978(85)90049-4)
To put it in perspective, it looks a bit like this:
You keep watching a boring movie to the very end just because you paid 1,800 yen for the ticket.
Your head tells you it’s better to walk out halfway through. But you keep sinking back into your seat, telling yourself, “Well, I already paid for it,” or “I’ve come this far.”
Human relationships follow the exact same structural pattern.
“We’ve been friends for ten whole years,” or “They were there for me back then.” But listen — those ten years are never coming back. Using something gone forever as an excuse to keep handing over your future hours as well?
That’s not “deep affection” — that’s a literal bug in the brain.
The Conditioning That Tells Us to “Cherish Our Bonds”
And you know, there’s another thing I really want to dig into here.
Why on earth do we feel such overwhelming guilt about “cutting ties”?
Honestly, I don’t think it’s just a matter of our personal flaws.
“Cherish your connections,” “Human ties are your greatest asset,” “Never casually sever a bond once it’s made.”
…Hasn’t this value system been pounded into us constantly since childhood by our parents, our schools, and our workplaces?
Especially for our generation (in our 40s and 50s), we were raised on notions like “Don’t disrupt harmony,” “Endurance is a virtue,” and “Patience on a cold rock for three years.” So breaking away feels almost like losing or running away.
Yet, I want you to step back and think about it coolly.
A “bond” is supposed to be a result, not an obligation.
When two people genuinely feel comfortable and things flow naturally, that’s a true connection. But when one person is secretly tearing their stomach lining apart just to keep the whole thing artificially breathing, that’s no longer a “bond” — it’s an imprisonment.
While You’re Enduring It, Your Body Quietly Breaks Down
Now, for those of you thinking, “Well, it’s fine as long as I just tough it out,” let me share a rather frightening research finding.
A massive meta-analysis by Holt-Lunstad et al. (2010, PLOS Medicine) reported that individuals with poor social relationship quality face a 50% higher risk of mortality. What’s more, this is comparable to the health risks of smoking or alcohol overconsumption.
(Reference: Holt-Lunstad, J. et al. “Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review,” PLOS Medicine, 2010. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316)
Furthermore, a study by Kiecolt-Glaser et al. (2005, Archives of General Psychiatry) experimentally confirmed that hostile marital interactions increase the production of proinflammatory cytokines (such as IL-6 and TNF-α) and even slow down wound healing speeds.
(Reference: Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. et al. “Hostile Marital Interactions, Proinflammatory Cytokine Production, and Wound Healing,” Arch Gen Psychiatry, 2005. https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.62.12.1377)
In other words, while you’re telling yourself, “I’ll just put up with it,” your immune cells are quietly taking hits day after day.
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Your skin breaking out from stress, colds dragging on forever, feeling utterly sluggish the moment your eyes open in the morning — that might not be “getting older” at all; it might just be the toxicity of that relationship.
Why Trying to Leave Makes the Harassment Worse
And this right here is the critical part.
“I want to leave, but who knows what they’ll do if I try?”
…I imagine a lot of you are thinking that.
Honestly, that fear is very real. The second you try to pull back, the frequency of their texts suddenly spikes, weird stories start circulating among your mutual acquaintances, or they look you dead in the eye and say, “After everything I did for you, you ungrateful wretch.”
Do you know why that happens?
It’s because when you leave, they lose their “extraction target.”
Your time, your attentiveness, your constant validation of “Yeah, totally, I get it.” To them, all of that was free fuel.
When that fuel supply runs low, they scramble desperately to hook you back in. They get angry, they cry, they pull out the history books on past favors. But let me tell you — they aren’t doing that because “they care so much about you.” They’re doing it because “they are about to be inconvenienced.”
This is massively important, so I’ll say it again.
People who try to trap you aren’t doing it out of love. Most of the time, they’re just fighting to protect their own comfortable setup.
Severing Ties “Gently”
So, how on earth do you walk away?
From my experience: don’t declare war. Don’t confront them head-on. Just slip away quietly and fade out.
That is the safest route by far.
I totally understand the temptation to scream, “I am done with this!” right to their face. But if you do that, you’ll shatter their pride, and the risk of them clinging to you with a vengeance will skyrocket.
People who love to control others cannot handle the humiliation of “being dumped.” So the moment you try to formally cut ties, they will fight you with everything they’ve got.
The method itself is simple.
Slow down your replies. Gently decline invitations. Stretch out the time between hangouts — from once a month to once every two months, then once every six months. Create a state of naturally drifting apart before they even realize it.
And you know, once you actually try doing this, you’ll discover something.
Literally, nothing happens.
You spent all that time convinced that “leaving will unleash total chaos,” yet reality stays completely dead silent. Once you disappear, they simply wander off to find someone else who’s easier to manipulate.
It’s anticlimactic to an almost embarrassing degree.
It feels just like opening your front door on a crisp winter morning, letting that icy air rush deep into your lungs. Breaking away from a toxic “bond” is precisely like that. It’s biting cold, but at the same time, it feels ridiculously refreshing.
Closing Thoughts
What I wanted to get across today is this:
A relationship you have to force isn’t a true “bond.”
The conviction that “I can’t walk away” might just be an illusion cooked up by ten years of sunk costs and the deep social conditioning of “you must cherish relationships no matter what.”
Your body is screaming honest warnings. Your stomach hurts. You can’t sleep. Just seeing their name pop up on LINE makes your heart race.
That isn’t a “lack of patience” — your body is simply telling you, “We’ve hit the absolute limit.”
Just because you once shared a deep chapter with someone doesn’t mean you’re sentenced to stay intertwined with them for eternity.
So go ahead, gently and quietly step away.
You don’t need to carry any guilt for doing that. Truly…
I hope this story helps lighten your heart just a little bit. That’s all for now… This has been Miwa Inagaki. Ciao! 👋
References
- Arkes, H. R. & Blumer, C. “The Psychology of Sunk Cost,” Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 1985
- https://doi.org/10.1016/0749-5978(85)90049-4
- Holt-Lunstad, J. et al. “Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review,” PLOS Medicine, 2010
- https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316
- Kiecolt-Glaser, J. K. et al. “Hostile Marital Interactions, Proinflammatory Cytokine Production, and Wound Healing,” Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005
- https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.62.12.1377
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