𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗙𝗘𝗔𝗥 𝗢𝗙 𝗕𝗘𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗘𝗘𝗡
Since childhood, I've always been the alpha type. Whether it was children's plays, drama competitions, or teamwork, I've always wanted to be the head or, at least, tried to be.
I've also always wanted to be in the spotlight in almost everything, even when I wasn't perfect in that particular area. But looking at myself now, I've noticed something strange: I hate being in the spotlight, where everyone knows me or has their eyes on me, even though I know I have it in me.
Funny enough, I get noticed easily without even trying. I keep a smiling, friendly face, making my personality easy to trust and, sometimes, easy to rely on.
Looking back, I can't trace exactly when this change began, but I know one thing: I fear being laughed at or being given a nickname because of a mistake I make.
When I was in the 11th grade, we were asked to write an application letter for the position we wanted to hold in school. I wrote an application for the post of Computer Prefect instead of Senior Prefect, which I believe was the highest student leadership position. Sometimes, I wonder if that was where it started, though I’m not entirely sure.
Since then, as far as I can remember, I haven't applied for or aimed at anything that would put me directly in the spotlight. I'd rather stay low-key and let people notice me naturally.
After secondary school, I went to apply for a job at the mall. On the day of the interview, I saw people with better educational qualifications than mine, dressed in suits and looking prepared for the opportunity. I almost lost hope of continuing, but I still wanted to give it a try.
When I was called to face the interview board, I told them I wanted to switch my application to the cleaning department, which I believed would give me a better chance.
Get Dreamwalker’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Cleaning was among the lowest-ranked staff positions, but I chose it because I thought my chances of getting the job would be better.
However, my light never stopped shining.
After just one month of working as a cleaner, I was promoted to Sales Representative, becoming a direct staff member. Even then, I continued to stand out.
A few months later, I was promoted again to Senior Staff and made Head of Department. I was very active in my role, earning recognition within the branch.
After another two or three months, I was offered the position of Stock Supervisor, which I declined because it didn't fit my schedule.
Looking back at all these experiences, one thing has become clear to me: I have leadership qualities within me. I've demonstrated them repeatedly, even when I wasn't deliberately seeking recognition.
Yet, despite all the evidence, I've held myself back so many times. I've allowed self-doubt and the fear of being laughed at to stop me from pursuing opportunities that could have taken me further.
Isn't it strange how life can keep showing you what you're capable of, yet you still struggle to believe in yourself?
Perhaps my greatest problem isn't a lack of ability, but the fear of putting that ability on display and being judged when I fail.
I've spent so much time trying to avoid embarrassment that I've sometimes chosen the safer path, even when I was capable of more.
And now, I have to ask myself: How many opportunities will I allow fear to take away from me before I finally decide to believe in myself?
