fallen
you just know how deep you’ve gone when you decide to take things seriously and “lock in” for someone else.
the recurring feeling of being at peace with someone you’ve really just met, as if they already know how to pull on your strings. it’s there, and it’s scary.
scary, how? that someone has a hold of you easier than other people? that what you’ve expected from a previous partner to be done in 1 year or more, this new one does it in just 4 days?
it is. it really is scary.
i can be read like an open book, you don’t have to put any kind of bookmark and you won’t even get lost in my pages. you know how to flip my notes and dissert my passages, so why would i think twice?
you’ve seen me vulnerable and wanting, as if i’m a pet just longing for this whole excitement that i never got to experience before. i’ve been very vulnerable and wanting, ever since you showed me that i wasn’t hard to love.
i wasn’t hard to love.
i was just looking at the wrong puppeteer.
maybe i’ve hit the ground too hard, hell, maybe i’ve dug a deeper hole than what i was originally intended to excavate to. one thing’s for certain though, that i know this ground is where i’m supposed to stand on and reach above.
how do you fall without getting hurt?
easy. you commit.
the fall was never an easy voyage to be in. you have no control over your descent, you have the wind pushing at your face, your body contorts to shapes you never knew you could do, and there’s only one direction; down to the ground.
so what do you do?
you commit to the fall. you can avert the distraction. divert the slamming down to yourself. i already know that it would hurt pretty bad if i shoved myself face first to the ground, so why not absorb the shock?
being in love was never an easy task. it’s something that you either do, or you don’t do. there is no blurry line, there is no half-assed answer, it’s a simple yes or no question.
have i fallen?
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yes. deeply. and with that i commit to what i’ve done for myself because i know that it would hurt me. i know that i have nothing to lose, so i offer everything that i can with the best of my abilities.
i was always an easy person to read. all of my summaries are already on the front page. my pages are easy to digest. the words i use for myself are nothing short of simple. my cover pages aren’t that extravagant.
and yet, here you are, you know how to tug on my heart strings, you know how to give meaning to these simple words that i have, my corners being turned from time to time, my cover pages being appreciated.
as i continue my descent in this, i just know that every second makes me want more of you.
i know this, since every day shapes my body to the figure that it needs, and it bends in such a way that i have never envisioned for myself. the pit i dug was always there, it was never a man-shaped hole, rather it was a hole that shaped a man.
to fall in this conundrum is something that i dove head first in, and thats what i know i would’ve wanted for myself beforehand. i’m sure of this.
gravity doesn’t work upwards, no?
we can’t just fall up, we can’t cling on to steep slopes when we’ve already reached terminal velocity, and we certainly cant bend reality to float like a feather.
that’s the point.
it was never about being saved.
it was always about taking your hand and going under.
to fall in this for you was something i had never expected to shape my beliefs nor my point of views, and yet here i am, flailing my arms, trying to embrace this flow that fills my eyes with air that prevent me to see from whats going on under me.
i have never been tired of high hopes, since from high hopes we come falling with grace, and that’s where we journey towards. our hopes do not fall out — it’s us who falls out of hope.
perhaps the book you’ve read in me gave you enough insight on how much i’ve seen myself falling. the last pages are purposefully kept blank for one main reason.
read it, rewrite it, reshape my fall.
those blank pages were waiting for your handwriting. those last pages look for you, they yearn for something to fall to; a solid ground that this guy can safely land on without enduring any sort of pain with you. that’s the ending i’ve looked for all of my life, the final ground to this pit that i’ve fallen into, the reason why i know i’ve fallen and i never want to be saved.
to the fall i have committed, and i never want to stop falling.
