What happens when one of your carers becomes more disabled than you?
If you asked my mum she would have said that she was my main carer and while she used to do a lot, I would not have said she was my main carer. If I needed something carrying upstairs or wanted help with a crafting project I would ask my Dad or my brother. Mum’s own mobility issues meant that she couldn’t help with these things even before her accident. If we were cooking together it worked because she could bend down for me and I could get things high up for her. I would say the whole family shared caring for me but that has all changed.
Mum had surgery for her broken shoulder a couple of days ago and it went well. She even said to me this morning that she wasn’t in a lot of pain which is a good sign. The surgery lasted about four hours because she had to have the full shoulder replacement. Here you can see the diagram of what she had done:
It is going to be a long recovery but now the surgery is out of the way it feels like we are going somewhere. Lots of rest and physio for her.
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For me it means carer duty, well as much as I am able. If there was one time I wish I didn’t have Endometriosis it would be now. I want to be able to take care of her and not being able to is frustrating. Last week I had my finances assessed by the DWP which was an hour-long phone call. The next day Mum had her pre-op assessment and wanted help preparing for it. I had my phone call then had to rest for an hour before I could help her. A couple of days ago she had a strip wash and again I helped but that was it for me, I couldn’t do anything else that day.
It means that I am using all my energy and mobility to help my Mum, which I don’t mind, I quite enjoy it. I had forgotten how nice it can be to care for someone else. I used to do it all the time when I was working in education, you take care of the kids automatically and I hadn’t realised that it was something I missed. I do have to pace myself though. There are days where I have to say, I’m sorry, I can’t help you. I was making lunch for me and my Mum the other day and she asked if I was okay. I said no and that if she didn’t have a broken shoulder I would be asking her to make lunch for me. But this is the way that things are now and you deal with it.
Last night Dad was unwell and was sick a couple of times. We think it was something he ate but please ONE PARENT AT A TIME! He ate breakfast this morning and said he felt better so hopefully he will be okay. He has been ordered to rest but I doubt he will listen because he is one of those people. One of my fears is that he is going to make himself sick looking after my Mum because he doesn’t realise he is 74 and not a sprightly spring chicken anymore.
As well as the physical toll there is the emotional one as well. The worry when someone is having surgery, the stress (even though you are happy to do it) of looking after someone. Then I have my own health on top. If my own symptoms could calm down that would be great. I don’t know if things are bad for me because of everything that has happened or if they would have been bad anyway. It doesn’t matter and I will probably never know. This is the situation.
What happens when one of your carers becomes more disabled than you? You take care of them as much as possible, like they have taken care of you.
