Opinion
Get Out of His Way
For The Dad Who Does Everything and Gets Blamed For It.
Sitting on the ferry returning home from a local island holiday, my husband and son by my side, reminiscing about our first family holiday that wasn’t camping. It was a beautiful moment of love, happiness and gratitude.
On the table next to us sat a group of women deep in conversation. One was a mother of 3 young children. These 3 kids were running wild on the ferry. Dad was trying to keep up with all 3, heading in different directions. The kids would go to mum, try to get her attention to no avail. She wouldn’t even look up. She would call out to her husband to manage them, again without looking up.
Dad looked tired. Pulled in all directions. The 3 children were not listening to him. He tried to speak to his wife, she waved him off. He made reasonable requests of the children; the boat was not a playground. The kids did not listen. When he tried to be stern with them, probably for their own safety and everyone else’s respect, the kids would run to mum complaining loudly. She would direct them away, completely undermining her husband’s directions.
Eventually, Dad slumped down in a nearby chair, on his own. He looked defeated. His kids not in sight.
His eyes said it all.
I saw a dad trying to do his best. I saw a mother sit and do nothing. Not only did she do nothing, he was never acknowledged. She dismissed him. He was doing all the work.
The 3 kids ran wild the entire ferry trip. They didn’t listen to a thing he said. I couldn’t help but feel that this dynamic was normal for them. Dad parents. Kids have learnt to go to mum, who dismisses dad, and the kids have become accustomed to this dynamic and now do exactly the same. I can’t help but wonder if he gets all the blame too when things go wrong.
This Isn’t Just One Dad
This is a pattern I keep seeing and hearing about.
Today I heard yet another story from a grandparent, reflecting on his daughter’s relationship with her husband and kids. The dad was doing everything. He did the groceries, cooking, cleaning, everything for the kids, whilst she sat on the couch glued to her phone.
A previous housemate whose mother walked out on him and his 3 siblings. Four kids. She moved overseas and never contacted any of them again.
A friend’s brother, whose wife walked out, leaving him to parent 3 kids on his own.
A colleague who spent over $60k trying to just see his own child again.
Until He Snaps
These stories share the same pattern. He does everything. He is undermined at every corner. He has no respect or authority because she cuts him down, acting on impulse, doing what’s easiest for her. The kids have been taught to go around him.
He absorbs it until he snaps.
Then he is labelled the angry one. He is the problem. He’s the one punished for it.
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The anger isn’t the failure. The years before it is where the failure happened.
To The Women Reading This
There is actually a name for what I watched on that ferry. Researchers call it maternal gatekeeping.
Research published in Acta Psychologica in 2025 found that the more a mother shuts a father out, the less confident he becomes in his own parenting. And a 2026 review in the Innovation Journal of Social Sciences and Economic Review found that this doesn’t just hurt him, it hurts the kids too.
To the women reading this who might recognise some of themselves in these stories: I’m not here to tear you apart, I’ve been there too! From one mother to another mother: stop undermining him. Stop teaching your kids to go around him. Stop being the reason he has no ground to stand on. Your kids are watching both of you, and what they’re learning right now about love, respect and partnership will follow them for the rest of their lives.
Women — get out of his way.
Children deserve both their parents, working together. Not against each other.
The Best Advice I Was Ever Given as a Mother
#1 — Let him. Give him time and space and don’t control it. He needs to form his own relationship with his kids and draw on his own parenting values. Stepping back isn’t neglect. It’s what lets him actually parent too.
#2 — Your relationship with your partner is everything to your kids. You teach them, through this relationship, what love, support and respect really look like. This is the very foundation for their own relationships for the rest of their lives.
And To The Men
If actions don’t work, use your words. Speak up. You are not the problem for finally reaching your limit, but staying silent about what’s happening won’t fix it either.
I’d love to hear your stories. If this resonated, you can read my last article on why I care so much about this: Dear Men, Please Read.
The End of the Ferry Ride
I step off the ferry onto the mainland. My husband and son by my side.
I watch the other family depart. The mother still talking. The kids run off. The father lags behind, trawling all of the luggage on his own.
She never looked up.
If this resonated with you, you can subscribe to my writing at lighttomorrowwithtoday.com.au
References:
Kgadima, N. P., & Spaumer, A. (2026). When Co-Parenting Becomes A Battlefield: The Impact of A High-Conflict Divorce on Father–Child Relationships. Innovation Journal of Social Sciences and Economic Review, 8(2), 01–09. https://doi.org/10.36923/Ijsser.v8i2.326
Freitas, M. C., Pinto, T. M., & Conde, A. (2025). Maternal gatekeeping and paternal self-efficacy and mental health: The mediation of dyadic adjustment. Acta Psychologica. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.3.389
