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THE RELIGION FILES
Adventures in Catholicism
Surviving at a 2,000-year-old institution
DISCLAIMER: This is a humor piece, meant to elicit laughter, or at least a smile and/or some giggles. It is not meant as serious religious instruction. I wrote it to show that even pious Catholics like me can laugh at ourselves. But I think you will all figure this out. I give you credit for being intelligent.
Attending Mass
There is a serious art to attending the weekly Catholic liturgy.
First, you MUST claim your own place in the church and zealously guard it against any and all pew squatters. This is not an option. Science tells us that, since our bodies are made up of solid matter, no two people may occupy the same space at the same time. You and the squatter cannot sit in your place unless you want to sit on the person’s lap or vice versa. This is not conducive to serious Mass attendance.
It is, therefore, imperative that you arrive at Mass early and stake out your claim before anyone else grabs it. That’s the first rule of Mass attendance.
If by some chance you find someone sitting in your spot, there are different ways to react. Some of these are not recommended in church, such as punching the interloper in the nose or starting a screaming…
