Symptomatic Syntax.
A story of thoughts that wouldn’t stop sticking together. Until I fell apart.
It’s just me, by myself. Myself stuck in the middle of the highway of my mind. Delusions whip past either side of me honking horns and flashing lights to get my attention.
BEEEPPPP HOOOONKKKK MATTTYYYYYYYY!!!
They aren’t trying to get me to move out of the way. That would be way too helpful.
They want me to jump in.
Stranger Danger!
Somebody please just save me. I am so tired. I don’t even know how I got here. I didn’t put myself in this position, this time that is.
Yes you did Matty. This is all your fault Matty. Like always Matty.
Well, it looks like I am getting in this truck that slowed down enough for me to jump on the bonnet.
Baby Matty. Always crying Matty.
Hi, my names Matty. Thanks for letting me jump on.
“No worries there mate. You looked like you needed some company out there mate. Mate Matty”
As fate would have it I did. I do. I am just so tired. It’s been so hard to hold myself together, apart from the traffic a-head.
“Where are you headed mate?”
Anywhere away from here. My loneliness has been so loud. Overwhelming.
“Well, my names Pareidolia. This here is my dog Graphorrhea.”
Parry and Graphy?? Weird. But okay. Parry, Graphy and Matty.
“Don’t worry Matty, just relax. Look at the clouds. You see that?”
I do. I wish I didn’t but I do.
Wait how did I get here? A diner? I’m not even hungry. It’s so loud. Why is everyone looking at me?
“Take a seat darling. My name is Alogia. What’s your name, Matty?”
Matt.
“What can I get ya hun?”
…………
“Quiet one you are. Aren't ya?”
…………….
Cawfee.
WAKE UP MATTY WAKE UP MATTY WAKE UP MATTY
Where the heck am I now? How now brown cow.
?
Surely someone stops sending schizophrenia signs and symptoms seemingly serendipitously, sorry summer is over surely someone sensible sends some syntax.
Oh no.
Sitting silently seeming sorry, silly sausage roll strolling somewhere never.
Never never land never mind. Mind never lands ever.
ORDER! ORDER! ORDER! IN THE COURT! ORDER!
Wait, how am I in the emergency room? How did I get here?
This isn’t an emergency room Matty.
But all I can smell is hospital.
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Ol factory.
You are in an old factory now.
“OY BUDDY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE BUDDY.”
I’m sorry, I am Matty. Nice to meet you ummm? Your name tag says nothing.
“That’s right. I do nothing. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t want you here. Move away. Move out of my space.”
You seem familiar? Have we met before?
“…………..”
“I don’t want to do anything. Get away.”
Names here on the schedule says Anna. D.
“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want you to be here either.”
“GET OUT.”
SIR! SIR! SIT DOWN!
Why can’t I find my destination? Wandering aimlessly around all the time. Watching my life wash away.
Matty.
Matt.Matt
MATT!!!!!!!
Yes. Yes. okay I AM HERE. I HEAR YOU. I HEARD YOU.
Why can’t I rip these thoughts out of my mind. I am stuck on the floor. My face can’t carry the weight of my brain. I do mind.
Every step I take reveals strands of web.
My feet are webbed, my face is web.
“Matty why are you here?”
Well the spiders web in the trees webbed together some of what was about to happen in the room. Web is such an interesting thing it sums up everything that is happening today.
“Okay maybe I will start with my name. My name is Ben. Short for Klebenbleiben.”
What a web of letters that is. Why are you in front of me now. On the web?
“That’s right, you and me have to stick together now. Matt.”
Run Matty RUN!!!!
I can’t I am stuck.
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
MONITOR HIM. COMPUTER MONITOR ON THE WEB.
HE MUST BE MONITORED.
MATT!!! MATT!!!
The curtains open in front of me to reveal the bright halogen lights above. Angled like the sun streaming on the web.
Lights so bright it’s like a truck about to hit me.
I can’t speak in this moment. The words are inside but they can’t breach the surface. I have a hunger for connection, but I feel full. Not even cawfee can help.
I don’t want to do anything. I can’t feel anything. It’s like my mind is an empty warehouse.
I am stuck. Everyone is watching my every move. I move but I can’t. I stay but I don’t say much.
This place looks more familiar now.
I feel like.. I.. am.. s l o w i n g. d o w n. w h a t . i s. h a p p e n i n g.
Darkness. But relief. Everything will be okay Matty.
Sleep.
